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Band 4.5

Some people believe that children be allowed to stay at home and play until they are six or seven year old. Others that it is important for young children to go to school as soon as possible. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #children #home #six #seven #year #school
Which suitable age
children
 should start education at
school
 is a controversial issue.
While
 I understand that
children
 staying at the age of six or seven bring several
benefit
Change to a plural noun
benefits
show examples
, I strongly believe that they should go to
school
 at the earliest. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand, staying at home until reaching or seven brings
children
 some advantages.
Firstly
,
children
obtained
Correct pronoun usage
who obtained
show examples
 home education before attending
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
grade
one
 might have a better background than other pupils.
This
 is because parents allow them to spend their daily time
to teach
Change the verb form
teaching
show examples
 their
son
Fix the agreement mistake
sons
show examples
 or
daughter
Fix the agreement mistake
daughters
show examples
one
 by
one
. Another advantage is that
this
 group of
children
 might have more
confident
Replace the word
confidence
show examples
comparing
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 with pupils
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 class soon. They are mature, so they could have a stronger mental and physical.
On the other hand
, there are two main reasons should bring their
children
 to
school
 as soon as possible. First of all,
children
 leaving
their
Change the pronoun
them
show examples
 soon have to learn the way
adapting
Change the verb form
to adapt
show examples
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
new
Add an article
the new
a new
show examples
 environment. Schooling environment
give
Change the verb form
gives
show examples
 them more
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
 to make friends,
be
Correct word choice
and be
show examples
 familiar with classes and lessons soon.
Consequently
, are able to improve their social relationship and many helpful skills.
For example
, they can learn how to perform alone or with friends
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and participate in various healthy activities
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
Secondly
, parents can save time in taking care of
children
, so they are able to acquire a
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
schedule for their job.
As a result
, they could ensure their income and cover life. In conclusion, I firmly argue that the of
children
 going to
school
 as soon as possible outweigh that of staying at home until they reach the age of six or seven.
Submitted by hoaan2409 on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance logical structure, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that all subsequent sentences support it cohesively. Transitions between ideas must be smooth and logical.
coherence cohesion
Include a clear introduction and conclusion, making sure that the thesis statement in the introduction presents your main argument coherently and the conclusion effectively summarizes the essay without introducing new ideas.
coherence cohesion
Back up main points with detailed examples or explanations. Each point made should be supported by relevant examples or reasons why something is beneficial or not.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task, fully respond to the prompt with a balanced discussion of both views, and present a clear personal opinion with a reasoned argument.
task achievement
Develop ideas comprehensively, providing clarity and depth in the essay. Avoid vague statements and focus on clear, precise, and elaborate explanations of points.
task achievement
Incorporate relevant specific examples to strengthen arguments. Use these examples to clearly illustrate the statements made and to provide evidence for your claims.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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