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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that men and women are equal and so women should be able to do any job they want. Others feel that men and women are not equal and therefore there are certain jobs which are not suitable for women. What is your opinion?

#people #men #women #job #jobs
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Some people argue that
women
 should not be in
jobs
that
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 traditionally for men
whereas
 others argue that both genders are equal and that
women
 can apply for any
positions
Fix the agreement mistake
position
show examples
 they want. I agree with the statement that
women
 should not be choosing
jobs
 that are for men
due to
 their physical stature and maternal responsibilities.
Firstly
, some
women
 are more fragile and weaker compared to their male counterparts. There are certain
jobs
 that require physical strength and muscle power which limits
women
 from applying to these roles.
For instance
, working in building construction, mining and oil drilling can be physically taxing and demanding.
This
 can result in injuries and accidents which can pose difficulties for
women
 working in these environments.
Hence
, it requires
women
 to be strong and physically fit to be able to withstand
such
 harsh working conditions.
Secondly
, traditional male
jobs
 are not very flexible and
child friendly
Add a hyphen
child-friendly
show examples
. It can be quite difficult for
women
 to get emergency leave for childcare or find anyone to look after their children.
For example
, studies have shown that
women
 in
male dominated
Add a hyphen
male-dominated
show examples
jobs
 tend to leave their
jobs
due to
 uncooperative manner and lack of flexibility from their bosses.
This
 shows that some
jobs
 are not suitable nor adaptable to
women
 with maternal responsibilities.
To conclude
,
this
 essay supports the idea that men and
women
 are not equal in terms of job suitability. There are certain occupations that are unsuitable for
women
due to
 their small physique and maternal obligations.
Submitted by mraha409 on

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task achievement
Consider expanding your arguments to address broader aspects of job suitability, such as emotional resilience and skill sets. This will help create a more comprehensive response.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Use linking words and phrases to enhance cohesion.
task achievement
Include counterarguments to show a balanced perspective. This will demonstrate critical thinking and a deeper engagement with the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, making it easy to follow.
task achievement
Relevant examples are provided to support your points, strengthening your argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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