IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

It is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#money #lifestyle #illness #treatment #people
It is argued that we should invest more in
health
 prevention programs rather than curing sick
people
.
While
 I believe that encouraging a healthy lifestyle is essential to improve
community
health
, I partially agree with the notion because spending to cure ill patients is equally important to prolong
people
’s lives. Clearly, promoting a healthy lifestyle is critical to improving public
health
 and reducing the burden of healthcare costs. Many uncommunicable diseases
such
 as high blood pressure, stroke, and diabetes have direct consequences of unhealthy habits.
This
 could be reduced by the help of
community
 funds to support government efforts in increasing public awareness through
health
 education campaigns or
health
 consultations.
As a result
 of
this
 program, more
people
 become
health
-conscious, which can lead to a healthier
community
.
On the other hand
, budget allocation for curing ill
people
 has equal importance in saving more
people
. Not all diseases can be prevented with lifestyle modifications. Take
for example
 infectious diseases like COVID-19 which became a global pandemic in the past year. Numerous COVID-19 patients require immediate cures to lessen the sickness and save them from mortality so the public fund is much needed to help the pandemic response. It is not fair
Thus
, investing in the cure field
also
 could enhance innovation in the healthcare system and save more lives in the future. In conclusion,
although
 preventing disease by promoting a healthy habit is needed for the
community
, I think we should
also
 allocate our money to saving the lives of ill
people
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Ensure a complete balance in your essay between the importance of promoting a healthy lifestyle and the necessity of spending on treatment for those who are ill. While you address both sides, the discussion on treatment could be more expanded with specific examples.
task achievement
Introduce more clear and insightful ideas outlining in-depth the implications of spending on either prevention or treatment to enhance the comprehensiveness of your argument.
task achievement
Incorporate more relevant and specific examples to support your points. This could be recent research findings, statistical data or case studies that directly relate to the priority of health promotion or treatment.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow by ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, and by using a wider range of cohesive devices to better link your ideas throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure all main points are thoroughly supported with detailed explanations and examples. You could elaborate more on each point to give the reader a complete understanding of your position.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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