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Band 5.5

It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #risks #lives
There is a discussion about the crucial value, both in personal and work lives, for someone to take a risk on something. I believe that the benefits of taking risks outweigh the drawbacks. On the one hand, taking risks without preparation is an unwise decision. It will make someone look incapable
to conduct
Change preposition
of conducting
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further
 consideration when making an important choice.
For example
,
person
Add an article
the person
a person
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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decided
Wrong verb form
decides
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 to resign from their job because it is not their wanted career will suffer in the future if they do not have a new job after the resignation. So, it is very essential to make a backup plan and realize the consequences of our decision.
On the other hand
, the bravery to
takes
Wrong verb form
take
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 the challenges
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
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 in professional lives, will give people new skillsets and experiences to share.
For instance
, when a person
decided
Wrong verb form
decides
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 to take the opportunity to lead a new department offered by their director, they can show
up
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apply
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their capacity to handle the problem and execute the suitable solution. Becoming a leader
also
 will hone
the
Correct article usage
apply
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managerial skills
such
 as time, resource, and people management. If the target by the high-level management could
achieved
Change the verb form
be achieved
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, the success story can be inspired
the
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by the
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 other departments. In
consclusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, taking risks without being well prepared will be a detrimental choice and could lead to an unwanted situation.
However
, it could give people more benefits when executed with preparation,
such
 as learning new
knowledges
Change the wording
knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
show examples
 and
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
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 a role model for the success story to inspire other societies.
Submitted by rezasatria19 on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view on the importance of risk-taking in professional and personal lives, which is good. However, to improve your score, make sure to develop your ideas further. Expand on the consequences and be more specific about the preparations needed for taking risks.
coherence and cohesion
To improve the coherence and cohesion, ensure that your ideas flow logically and that all paragraphs are well-connected. Work on using a range of cohesive devices beyond 'On the one hand, On the other hand, However, In conclusion.' Adding synonyms and using a variety of linking words will help.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Opportunities
  • Growth
  • Innovation
  • Challenges
  • Self-discovery
  • Resilience
  • Uncertainty
  • Consequences
  • Calculated risks
  • Stagnation
  • Regret
  • Comfort zone
  • Entrepreneurship
  • Adventurous spirit
  • Thriving
  • Failure
  • Mitigate
  • Reap the rewards
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