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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many people believe that women make better parents than men and that is why they have a greater role in raising children in most societies. Others claim that men are just as good as women at parenting. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #women #parents #men #role #children #societies
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There is an argument that
mothers
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 have a more significant role in nurturing their
children
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 or
fathers
Correct word choice
that fathers
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also
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 can play similar roles. From my perspective,
although
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 both parents should contribute to training offspring, females lead kids’ upbringing. First of all, nobody can ignore the traditional role of women in the development of
children
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. Indeed,
mothers
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 have more attachments to their kids.
In other words
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, they carry
children
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 in their bellies and nurture them in their bodies,
then
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 they spend a lot of time milking them after their birth. They are committed to teaching their kids regarding values of life and supporting them to define and achieve their targets. Even gender imbalance of responsibility in raising
children
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 is obvious in most of the animals.
Although
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 there are some exceptions in
this
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 regard, most females take care of the offspring.
Furthermore
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, women are more focused on their parental duties, since in most human communities men have more responsibilities in society .
Therefore
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, fathers cannot spend enough quality time with their
children
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. Needless to mention, even employed women
also
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 have enough concentration on their jobs as
mothers
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. Because they have multi-task characteristics which enable them to provide equal attention to both activities .
For instance
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, my mother was a nurse who could nurture six
children
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. She assisted them to be successful and beneficial individuals for the society. I can remember my father’s busy schedule did not allow him to contribute to the kids’ upbringing. In a nutshell,
mothers
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 have more contribution to
children
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's training , since they are more familiar with their requirements and they are
also
Linking Words
 more versatile and responsible than fathers
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
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task achievement
Work on developing a more balanced argument by discussing both views in more detail. This will help in presenting a more thorough task response.
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on examples and ensure they are directly supporting the main points. More specific examples can strengthen your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure each paragraph logically flows into the next and check for coherence between sentences within paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
Provide a more comprehensive introduction and conclusion to better frame your argument and effectively summarize your points.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
The points made are relevant and directly address the topic.
task achievement
Personal examples add a personal touch and make the arguments more relatable.
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