IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

in many countries, paying for things using mobile phone (cellphone) apps is becoming increasingly common. Does this development have more advantages or more disadvantages?

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Nowadays, e-banking has become popular. In the majority parts of the world, the usage of e-pay
apps
Use synonyms
 has been promoted. In
this
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 essay, I will look at the disadvantages of online banking before turning to the advantages and I believe the benefits outweigh the downsides. In these decades of technology, cyberbullying is the most important factor which has influenced the exploitation of e-payment systems. Indeed,
due to
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 unpredictable lags in infrastructural safety, fishing from individuals' accounts is considerable.
For instance
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, in 2020 a hacker group, named Angrybirds penetrated the ABC Bank of America and rubbed two billion dollars from people's accounts. Needless to say, with regard to the improvements in IT engineering, e-banking protector systems have been enhanced day by day to counteract the issue. On the flip side, payment
apps
Use synonyms
 have accelerated our lives in different manners.
For example
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, these
apps
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 not only provide us with the ability to be our accountant, and check our financial status from different periods of time but
also
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 can help us to checkout after shopping without time consumption.
In addition
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, cash money is usually accompanied by numerous varieties of infectious organisms
such
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 as viruses, bacteria and
also
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 fungi.
Therefore
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, if we utilize
apps
Use synonyms
 for payments, we can prevent ourselves from several disorders which were really helpful during the COVID-19 pandemic. In conclusion, the daily increasing desire to use paying
apps
Use synonyms
 is undeniable.
Hence
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, the myriad of people have tended to replace cash with their mobile
apps
Use synonyms
. From my standpoint, the advantages of e-banking are more outstanding than the negative aspects.

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coherence cohesion
While your essay structure is fairly logical and easy to follow, consider providing more distinct topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through your arguments clearly.
task achievement
Make sure to develop each main point with at least one specific and relevant example. The example of 'Angrybirds' hacking ABC Bank is good, but it's important to verify the factual accuracy or present it as a hypothetical scenario if it is not real.
coherence cohesion
Work on your vocabulary to avoid words that are not typically used in the reported context (e.g., 'fishing' instead of 'phishing'). Additionally, consider using synonyms to avoid repetition of certain words like 'e-banking' and 'apps.'
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and generally clear, but the thesis statement can be more concise and indicate your main argument more forcefully. For the conclusion, ensure that it restates the main points and the writer's opinion without introducing new information.
task achievement
You've covered the task and presented a clear argument. However, to reach the higher band scores, expand on the contrast between the advantages and disadvantages more evenly and provide further depth in your analysis.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • convenience
  • safety
  • security
  • time-saving
  • cashless transactions
  • dependence on technology
  • privacy concerns
  • accessibility issues
  • financial vulnerability
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