IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Most government money should be invested in teaching science rather than any other subjects in order for a country to develop. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is argued that the majority of the money that belongs to the government is suitable to be invested in
science
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,
while
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 others believe that other aspects should be taught for a homeland to thrive.
This
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 essay will discuss why I strongly agree that all
subjects
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 are equally crucial for the fulfilment and success of all nations.  On the one hand, investing money owned by governments in
science
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 has a significant impact on production and innovation, which,
as a result
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, will lead
countries
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 to function efficiently and have excellent reputations among other
countries
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.
Moreover
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, being known for having advancements in
science
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 will help the economy.
Furthermore
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,
countries
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 focused on
science
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 are more likely to import their ideas so that other
countries
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 can implement them.
For instance
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, Japan has been known to have advancements in technology and research.
Thus
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, it delivers all necessary information to adjacent
countries
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, providing a revenue source for Japan.
On the other hand
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,
countries
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 that ensure
science
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, literature, history, geography, mathematics and other
subjects
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 are embedded in the curriculum of
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
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 material and part of standardised teaching methods in universities, are more likely to achieve success in various areas.
Nevertheless
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, exposure to all those
subjects
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 is not enough to reach a high ranking.
For instance
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, the United States has a universal power over other
countries
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 because it studies them theoretically and puts them into practice.
Therefore
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, it is necessary to delve into those
subjects
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 practically to get the most benefit out of them.  In conclusion, for the government's income to be spent only on
science
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 may have some benefits.
However
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, it is more important to examine the various
subjects
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.
Moreover
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, putting those
subjects
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 into use will help achieve great results.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay is generally well-organized and covers a range of ideas regarding the role of various subjects in a nation's development. However, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to your thesis.
Task Achievement
Providing more concrete examples and expanding on them could strengthen your arguments. For instance, the discussion on the importance of multiple subjects could benefit from more specific instances or studies to support your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve coherence, try using transitional phrases and connectors more effectively to guide the reader through your argument. Words like 'additionally,' 'moreover,' and 'consequently' can help to link ideas smoothly.
Introduction and Conclusion Present
Your introduction is succinct and clearly outlines your stance, which sets a good foundation for your essay.
Introduction and Conclusion Present
You have included a conclusion that effectively summarizes your main points, reiterating your stance clearly.
Supported Main Points
You provide relevant arguments about the importance of having various subjects in the curriculum, thus showing a balanced view on the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • government funding
  • scientific research
  • technological advancements
  • economic growth
  • critical thinking
  • problem-solving skills
  • global challenges
  • talented individuals
  • scientific innovation
  • well-rounded education
  • diverse workforce
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