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Band 6

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial, perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what rneasures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

#children #pressures #perspectives #rneasures
In the modern era, the young generation might be exposed to way more pressure for their psychosocial development than in the past. There may be a variety of contributions causing
this
 phenomenon as a social
issue
 with easy access to social media that encourages the sense of competition between peers.
However
, fortunately, possible solutions can be in place for addressing the problem. The factors of the
issue
 and accessible approach are presented below.
To begin
 with, young people have more burdens to carry in their lives to achieve better academic outcomes and to develop social skills which are all for their psychosocial development than the past generations.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that young people can have much information from the internet which might be a source to compare themselves to others. To exemplify
this
, young students would be able to see what others are doing without their intent on Instagram when they log in.
This
 might impact young
children
's mental health by bringing a sense of competition unconsciously.
For
this
 reason,
children
 might have more pressures to reach their psychosocial goals
such
 others are doing.
However
, there would be possible solutions to tackle
this
 situation among
children
 by creating a platform for
children
 which is more likely to be helpful for their
overall
 lives. As existing social media
such
 as Instagram and
Youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
show examples
 tend to focus on adults, an online place for young students would be developed to address the current
issue
. For a salient example, an internet-based app which stimulates their enjoyment on top of their developments can be developed for an online risk-free place.
Therefore
, the presenting
issue
 can be resolved by
this
 approach.
To sum up
,
although
children
 have a confrontation with the
issue
 regarding having massive pressure in their psychosocial development stages from greater
accessibilities
Fix the agreement mistake
accessibility
show examples
 to social media than before, developing a
children
-friendly app can be a solution which can be placed.
Submitted by yeseulyou92 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure, but you could improve it by creating clearer connections between your ideas. Use a variety of linking words and phrases to guide the reader more smoothly from one point to the next.
coherence cohesion
You have included both an introduction and a conclusion, which helps frame your essay. You could improve these by stating your main points more clearly in the introduction and summarizing them effectively in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Although you have presented main points, you could enhance your essay by offering more detailed support for each argument. Consider adding facts, figures, or specific real-world examples to substantiate your points.
task achievement
You've made an attempt to respond to the task by discussing the pressures faced by children and suggesting measures to reduce these pressures. However, your response could be more complete if you provided a deeper exploration of both causes and solutions.
task achievement
Your ideas are relevant but at times not fully developed. To achieve a higher score, expand on your ideas and ensure that each one is explored comprehensively. Provide more detailed explanations and consider multiple perspectives where applicable.
task achievement
Use specific examples to illustrate each point you make. This not only shows a deeper understanding of the topic but also makes your arguments more persuasive and tangible to the reader. Avoid general statements and aim for clarity and specificity in your examples.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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