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Band 4.5

Mobile phones have brought many benefits, but they have also had negative effects. Do the disadvantages of having mobile phones outweigh the advantages?

#phones #effects
It is argued that phones have
made
Verb problem
apply
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a large proportion of merits,
however
, it has negative impacts. You can
chat
 with your relatives or your friends from a long distance
due to
 some
apps
 mobile has.
However
,
this
 technology is harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 children because perhaps they see some pictures that are not suitable for them. On the one hand, in the
past
Add a comma
past,
show examples
 you are not able to see or talk to your family always
due to
 the fact that they live
another
Change preposition
in another
show examples
 place or you are on a trip. But, with new technologies
such
 as cell
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
phone
Add a comma
phone,
show examples
 you can
chat
 or talk with them despite your gap.
Furthermore
, with the advancement of technology like the internet and some communication
apps
, you can
chat
 with your members
by
Change preposition
via
show examples
 Telegram, Instagram or anything else.
Also
, you
are manage
Change the verb form
manage
show examples
 to have
video
Add an article
a video
show examples
chat
 with your partners.
In addition
,
this
 progress is good and useful entertainment. In view of the fact that various
apps
 and games you can play with your mobile even the net is not available because most of these games are offline
apps
.
On the other hand
,
this
 product
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 some disadvantages like it
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
can be detrimental
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 our bodies because we prefer to more work with our phone than spend time and energy to enhance and improve our fitness.
However
, in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 we can control
this
 and make our daily plans properly.
Moreover
, if we have a reasonable plan for our life, we have sufficient time for our body or anything else. In conclusion, some people believe that cell phones have brought many pros
such
 as
chat
Wrong verb form
chatting
show examples
 or
talk
Wrong verb form
talking
show examples
 with
you
Correct pronoun usage
your
show examples
 family or your friends
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
 and having some facilities like playing video games.
Nevertheless
,
this
 equipment has some cons, but from my point of
view
Add a comma
view,
show examples
 the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
Submitted by bazarjanimohammadreza83 on

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Task Achievement
To enhance Task Achievement, make sure to completely address all parts of the task. Clearly present both sides of the argument before reaching a conclusion that reflects the balance of these arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
For improved Coherence and Cohesion, focus on organizing your ideas more logically, with clear paragraphing and cohesive devices to help connect ideas and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Provide specific and relevant examples to support your main points. This will help illustrate your arguments and improve clarity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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