IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#consequences #care #people #life #expectancy #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
long
life
Use synonyms
 span is to folks what sugar is to ants. One of the results of improvements in the medical industry is the growth in people's longevity. I personally believe that the benefits of
this
Linking Words
 matter outweigh the drawbacks. it seems that the increase in the population's lifespan brings about several demerits in terms of medicine and finance. it is believed that when communities live longer,
for example
Linking Words
, more than 70 years, governments need to pay pension funds continuously which may put them under pressure in case of expenses. another problem is suffering from a lack of adequate medical care systems; the elderly can put a burden on hospitals
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because as they get older, they need more treatments.
therefore
Linking Words
 it seems that the young may be deprived of appropriate health services.
on the other hand
Linking Words
, there are numerous plus points in living longer.
it is clear that
Linking Words
 when society has more time to live, they can dedicate sufficient moments to spend time with their loved ones which is completely enjoyable in most cases. a shining example is when a grandfather communicates with his grandchild and shares his valuable experiences, so the grandchild will take
advantages
Fix the agreement mistake
advantage
show examples
 of
this
Linking Words
 wisdom. the added benefit for the aged population is that they pursue their old dreams which weren't accessible to them in the youth years of their
life
Use synonyms
.
therefore
Linking Words
, living longer will provide them with additional time to follow their wishes. on balance, medically and financially as longevity may be problematic, it is indeed personally beneficial. if a long
life
Use synonyms
 span is,
as a result
Linking Words
, like sugar,
then
Linking Words
 it brings about a happier
life
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by zara.nazarahari on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To enhance the logical structure, ensure there is a clear and logical flow of ideas throughout the essay, with clear topic sentences that reflect the main idea of each paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Consistently develop your introduction and conclusion. The introduction should clearly state your thesis, whereas the conclusion should summarize the main points without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with more persuasive and detailed examples. Avoid general statements by providing specific details that reinforce your argument.
task achievement
Ensure that you address the task fully by providing a balanced discussion of both advantages and disadvantages, leading to a substantiated conclusion. It's important to cover all parts of the prompt to achieve a higher score for task achievement.
task achievement
Expand your ideas into more comprehensive arguments. While you have provided clear ideas, these could be further explained and developed to show nuanced thinking and to engage the reader more effectively.
task achievement
To achieve a higher score, use a wider range of vocabulary and grammar structures, ensuring accuracy and variety in your language use.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • life expectancy
  • elderly population
  • health care systems
  • pension funds
  • extended family relationships
  • quality of life
  • aging population
  • economic growth
  • volunteer work
  • expertise
  • financial planning
  • retirement
  • age-related diseases
  • medical research
  • healthier lifestyles
What to do next:
Look at other essays: