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Writing Samples
Band 7

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspective. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

#children #pressures #perspective #measures
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In
this
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 day of age,
children
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 have higher expectations in their lives from various influences
such
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 as school, social media, and commercial advertisements. One of the reasons
this
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 could happen is because of how "easy" life today is compared to the older generation, one way to address
this
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 is to set a reasonable amount of expectations.
This
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 essay will discuss the reasons for these burdens and solutions to decrease them.
Firstly
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,
children
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 have the advantage of abundant information from different sources
such
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 as television, smartphones, and computers.
This
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 makes
parents
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 think their
children
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 should be able to study many things available with ease and even free of charge, naturally, they expect their son or daughter to be a smart and knowledgeable individual.
Secondly
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, exposure to social media unknowingly makes
children
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 feel the need to keep up with their peers. They are seeing Instagram stories of other kids being successful and famous, which in turn makes them feel like a failure if they are just an ordinary kid. To resolve these pressures,
parents
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 as a vital parental figure in a child's life should understand their
children
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's circumstances and not set up unreasonable expectations. They could help their
children
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 by guiding them with a structured study plan,
instead
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 of expecting their
children
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 to achieve their academic goals by themselves.
Moreover
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,
parents
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 should limit their
children
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's access to useless content which can influence bad behaviour.
Also
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, teachers should encourage healthy competition in school by giving rewards and praises objectively. In conclusion,
while
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 there are many sources of pressures for
children
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 from social media, school, and advertisement, it can be reduced through great efforts from
parents
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 and teachers
Submitted by desyaf99 on

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coherence cohesion
Make sure the essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The essay has those components but could benefit from a clearer thesis statement.
coherence cohesion
Organize ideas into logical paragraphs, which you've done, but include clear topic sentences that relate directly to the essay question.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion should restate the main idea and summarize the key points without introducing new information.
task achievement
For task achievement, fully address all parts of the prompt. This has been done sufficiently, but make sure to delve deeper into the analysis of the causes and solutions. Avoid being superficial in the analysis.
task achievement
Expand on your ideas and support them with more specific examples or evidence -- this could be from real-life scenarios, studies, or hypothetical situations.
task achievement
Remember that clarity and development of ideas are important. Make sure each paragraph elaborates on a single main point and does not diverge from the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressures
  • academic
  • social
  • commercial
  • causes
  • measures
  • competition
  • expectations
  • influence
  • peer pressure
  • commercialization
  • marketing
  • play
  • leisure time
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