IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

People should be allowed to obscure their identity online. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #identity
Some
people
 argue that
people
 should not disclose their identity
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the online environment. I strongly agree with
this
 statement since there are many
people
 who steal someone's
information
, using it for
illigal
Correct your spelling
illegal
activies
Correct your spelling
activities
.
Although
 increasing technological advancements
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 brought many benefits, there are many detrimental issues that
existed
Wrong verb form
exist
show examples
. The main problem is that almost every
platforms
Change to a singular noun
platform
show examples
 for social media, online shopping, and some service platforms require
identification
Correct article usage
the identification
show examples
 of its users,
as a result
,
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
countless of
information
 about individuals is available on the internet or
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 providers' servers.
However
, most companies have weak security systems which allow others to corrupt any data.
For example
, many young
generation
Change to a plural noun
generations
show examples
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 interested in computer science in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recent years. Some of them want to have
significant
Correct article usage
a significant
show examples
 amount
money
Change preposition
of money
show examples
 in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
short-term
Correct your spelling
short term
show examples
,
they
Correct word choice
so they
show examples
decided
Wrong verb form
decide
show examples
 to hack others' bank accounts by using
their
Change the word
the
show examples
information
that is
 available on social media. Another issue of posting their background details,
photos
Correct word choice
and photos
show examples
 frequently on
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
any social platforms is
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
involving
people
 in unwanted activities without their knowledge.
For example
, some websites like Facebook, Google and Tiktok, generate income from advertisements of companies.
Consequently
, in order to increase their revenue, these sites often offer customised
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
 after they
analysed
Wrong verb form
analyse
show examples
 users' personal
information
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and photos. Because of
this
 reason, I would suggest that it is important to conceal our
idenfications
Correct your spelling
identifications
identification
 as much we can. In conclusion,
although
 technological developments make life easier for many
people
, it has a number of drawbacks that make its users susceptible to criminal activities.
Submitted by agiiotgon1 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt, but it is important to fully develop your ideas with detailed explanations or examples. Your main points are somewhat clear, yet they could be enhanced by providing more specific evidence or case studies to illustrate the consequences of identity theft and privacy concerns. This will help in increasing your score for task achievement by making your arguments more persuasive and comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
You have organized your essay and included an introduction and conclusion, which is good. However, you can improve your score for coherence and cohesion by ensuring that there is a clear progression of ideas throughout the essay. Each paragraph should contain a clear topic sentence that states the main idea, followed by explanations or examples that support this point. Additionally, make sure to use coherent linking words to connect ideas and paragraphs more smoothly.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: