The supplied bar chart above represents the data about people living in rural, urban and town who born in Australia or outside of state between 1995 and 2010.

The supplied bar chart above represents the data about people living in rural, urban and town who born in Australia or outside of state between 1995 and 2010.
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The bar graph gives information about the percentage of
people
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living in rural, urban and towns who were born in
Australia
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or outside of the state, in two different periods between 1995 and 2010. In general, we can see that the population of cities is the highest in both years,
by contrast
Linking Words
, the percentage of the population in rural
areas
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is increasing, unlike, the population of a town in 1995,
in addition
Linking Words
, it was approximately equal to the year 2010.
Firstly
Linking Words
, in 1995
people
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born in
Australia
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were 50.
In addition
Linking Words
,
people
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born outside
Australia
Use synonyms
were 60.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
people
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who were born in a town in
Australia
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and outside were 20 and 10.As for,
people
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who were born in rural
Australia
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and outside it is 30 and 40.
Lastly
Linking Words
, in 2010 approximately62of
people
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were born in cities in Asturalia and outside .
However
Linking Words
,
people
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were equally born in towns and rural
areas
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in
Australia
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.
By contrast
Linking Words
, outside
this
Linking Words
country,
people
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were in rural
areas
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5 and in town were twice as many borns in rural
areas
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by sesjej1330 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "by contrast, in addition".
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
Vocabulary: Replace the words people, australia, areas with synonyms.
Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Demographics
  • Migration patterns
  • Population distribution
  • Rural
  • Urban
  • Town
  • Native-born
  • Foreign-born
  • Growth rate
  • Settlement patterns
  • Residential categories
  • Urbanization
  • Infrastructure
  • Economic opportunities
  • Lifestyle preferences
  • Residential mobility
  • Urban planning
  • Governmental policies
  • Community impact
  • Data analysis
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