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Writing Samples
Band 6

A lot of people believe that the amount of violence shown on TV and in the cinema affects the actions of our young people and therefore increases the amount of violence in our society today. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? What can be done to reduce violence in our society today?

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Today there is a belief that
people
Use synonyms
, especially the young generation, commit crimes under the impression of acts of
violence
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 shown on
TV
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 and in the cinema. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will give my opinion about the statement and will try to find ideas on how to reduce the level of
violence
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 in our
society
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. The history of cinematography knows cases when the rise of
violence
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 was provoked by a movie. A well-known fact is A Clockwork Orange by Stanley Kubrick caused some crime in the UK in the 1970s. Unfortunately, sometimes
people
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 understand
ideas
Correct article usage
the ideas
show examples
 incorrectly that movies bring.
However
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, today the development of the cinema industry has gone far ahead. Movie creators have advanced technologies to create and show very realistic murders on the screen. The humanity live in
the
Correct article usage
an
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 era of easily available content.
Thus
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, that makes it complicated to keep children away from sensitive and dangerous
for
Change preposition
apply
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mental health movie scenes of
violence
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. At the same time, the statistics
shows
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show
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 that the level of
violence
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 in the world has been declining for at least the
last
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 20 years. It is a common trend for all age groups including the young generation. In my opinion,
TV
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 and the cinema don’t have a profound impact on children that
people
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 choose to think.
Nevertheless
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,
society
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 should take care of
moral
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the moral
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 and ethical principles of young
people
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 in general and in case the trend of non-
violence
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 changes. Public campaigns
such
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 as the culture of peace should be organized and promoted in schools,
TV
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, and public spaces to cultivate an early age empathy, compassion, and respect for all members of
society
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. From the practical side, advertising the knowledge about the consequences of
violence
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 and training the resolution
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
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 could help to avoid increasing a committing crime provoked by media content.
To conclude
Linking Words
, nowadays, the level of crime is decreasing. Easy access to movies and
TV
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 shows which include acts of
violence
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 don’t provoke young
people
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 to commit crimes.
However
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, it will be helpful to develop
the
Correct article usage
a
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 culture of peace and non-
violence
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 in
society
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 to prevent possible problems in the future.

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Task Achievement
To further improve task achievement, aim to integrate a wider variety of relevant examples. While your essay references important points, expanding on these examples with more detail and incorporating a variety of case studies or statistical evidence could strengthen your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, working on smoother transitions between paragraphs can enhance the logical flow of your essay. Consider employing transitional phrases that not only summarize previous points but also introduce the next argument cohesively. This technique aids in guiding the reader through your thought process with clarity.
General
While your introduction and conclusion are clear, making your thesis statement more prominent and directly addressing the prompt in your conclusion can refine your essay. Restate your stance and summarize key points in the conclusion for a compelling closure.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitization
  • crucial stage
  • moral and ethical understandings
  • external factors
  • profound impact
  • reflection
  • mitigate
  • stricter regulations
  • depiction
  • empathy
  • conflict resolution
  • collaboration
  • conscious
  • impact
  • promoting
  • culture of peace
  • non-violence
  • public awareness campaigns
  • community programs
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