Chidren nowdays watch significantly more television than in the past, which reduces their activity levels accordingly. why is this the case? What measures can you suggest to encourage higher levels of activity among children? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience.

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There is no doubt that nowadays youngsters watch more television compared to past
time
,which reduces their activity levels.In the next paragraph,I will explain more
reason
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reasons
show examples
on
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apply
show examples
why is
this
the
cases
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case
show examples
and what measures can be
done
Verb problem
taken
show examples
to encourage
children
to participate
more
Change preposition
in more
show examples
physical
activities
.
To begin
with,one of the
reason
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reasons
show examples
is the advancement in technologies help to invent more electronic devices in
this
modern era.
An elecronic
Correct article usage
Elecronic
show examples
devices
such
as
TV
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TVs
show examples
, video games and a Smartphone are the most
significants
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significant
show examples
products
are
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that are
show examples
now being used by many kids.
Next,
parents play a big role in parenting.
For
example
parental
neglection
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neglect
show examples
,
this
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apply
show examples
will surely
has
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have
show examples
a bad impact on their
children
,and because of no supervision from their parents,they will tend to play more video games or watch movies.
In addition
,many
yonger
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younger
generations will have
an
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apply
show examples
unwanted
disease
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diseases
show examples
such
as obesity,eye problems and others if
this
continues to happen.
On the other hand
,there are
also
many
suggections
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suggestions
to encourage
offsprings
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offspring
show examples
to join physical
activities
such
as the
gorverment
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government
should include physical exercise
activities
to
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in
show examples
the school
curriculam
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curriculum
.
This
helps the student to
involve
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be involved
show examples
more
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in more
show examples
activies
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activities
in school rather than
stay
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staying
show examples
at home watching a film.
Furthermore
,
this
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these
show examples
activities
are
more
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apply
show examples
heatlhier
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healthier
and
enhances
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enhance
show examples
one's development.
For
example
,studies show that individuals with
eqilibrium
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equilibrium
lifestyles can
prolonged
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prolong
show examples
one's life.
Others
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Other
show examples
suggection
Correct your spelling
suggestion
suggestions
are which parents are
pivotal
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a pivotal
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role in setting a rule for their
children
.
For
example
,Screen
time
with
a
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apply
show examples
good
supervise
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supervision
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from
the
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apply
show examples
adults can help reduces curtain
time
and
children
can
learned
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learn
show examples
how to manage their
time
properly,
besides
,
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the problem
a problem
show examples
problem
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Problems
show examples
such
as bad eyesight will be decreased. In conclusion,mature people
needs
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need
show examples
to set a good
example
as adults to the younger generations because
children
tends
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tend
show examples
to learn and
copies
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copy
show examples
from the older generations.So
by
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apply
show examples
setting a rule and
helps
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help
show examples
from the government can encourage them to join physical
activities
and
reduced
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reduce
show examples
screen
time
.
Submitted by tifjong on

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Task Achievement
Your essay provides a clear response to the prompt, but it would benefit from deeper analysis and more detailed examples. Expand on your ideas and provide specific, relevant examples to strengthen your arguments.
Coherence & Cohesion
To improve clarity and coherence, focus on structuring your essay more logically. This could involve introducing clear topic sentences at the beginning of paragraphs, followed by supporting details, and concluding sentences that summary the paragraph's main point.
Task Achievement
Develop your ideas more fully by elaborating on the reasons behind the increase in television watching among children and by providing more concrete suggestions for encouraging physical activity. Use specific examples or data to support your arguments.
General
Address simple grammatical errors and typos to enhance readability and professionalism. Proofreading your work can greatly improve its overall quality.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • proliferation
  • accessible
  • double-income families
  • convenient
  • urbanization
  • leisure preferences
  • peer pressure
  • screen time
  • engaging
  • promote
  • tailored
  • educational campaigns
  • lifestyle choices
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