Chidren nowdays watch significantly more television than in the past, which reduces their activity levels accordingly. why is this the case? What measures can you suggest to encourage higher levels of activity among children? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience.

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There is no doubt that nowadays youngsters watch more television compared to past
time
Use synonyms
,which reduces their activity levels.In the next paragraph,I will explain more
reason
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reasons
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
why is
this
Linking Words
the
cases
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case
show examples
and what measures can be
done
Verb problem
taken
show examples
to encourage
children
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to participate
more
Change preposition
in more
show examples
physical
activities
Use synonyms
.
To begin
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with,one of the
reason
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reasons
show examples
is the advancement in technologies help to invent more electronic devices in
this
Linking Words
modern era.
An elecronic
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Elecronic
show examples
devices
such
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as
TV
Fix the agreement mistake
TVs
show examples
, video games and a Smartphone are the most
significants
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significant
show examples
products
are
Correct pronoun usage
that are
show examples
now being used by many kids.
Next,
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parents play a big role in parenting.
For
Linking Words
example
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parental
neglection
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neglect
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,
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this
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apply
show examples
will surely
has
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have
show examples
a bad impact on their
children
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,and because of no supervision from their parents,they will tend to play more video games or watch movies.
In addition
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,many
yonger
Correct your spelling
younger
generations will have
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
unwanted
disease
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diseases
show examples
such
Linking Words
as obesity,eye problems and others if
this
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continues to happen.
On the other hand
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,there are
also
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many
suggections
Correct your spelling
suggestions
to encourage
offsprings
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offspring
show examples
to join physical
activities
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such
Linking Words
as the
gorverment
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government
should include physical exercise
activities
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to
Change preposition
in
show examples
the school
curriculam
Correct your spelling
curriculum
.
This
Linking Words
helps the student to
involve
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be involved
show examples
more
Change preposition
in more
show examples
activies
Correct your spelling
activities
in school rather than
stay
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staying
show examples
at home watching a film.
Furthermore
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,
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
activities
Use synonyms
are
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
heatlhier
Correct your spelling
healthier
and
enhances
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enhance
show examples
one's development.
For
Linking Words
example
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,studies show that individuals with
eqilibrium
Correct your spelling
equilibrium
lifestyles can
prolonged
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prolong
show examples
one's life.
Others
Correct quantifier usage
Other
show examples
suggection
Correct your spelling
suggestion
suggestions
are which parents are
pivotal
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a pivotal
show examples
role in setting a rule for their
children
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.
For
Linking Words
example
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,Screen
time
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with
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
supervise
Replace the word
supervision
show examples
from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adults can help reduces curtain
time
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and
children
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can
learned
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learn
show examples
how to manage their
time
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properly,
besides
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,
Add an article
the problem
a problem
show examples
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
Problems
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such
Linking Words
as bad eyesight will be decreased. In conclusion,mature people
needs
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need
show examples
to set a good
example
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as adults to the younger generations because
children
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tends
Change the verb form
tend
show examples
to learn and
copies
Replace the word
copy
show examples
from the older generations.So
by
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apply
show examples
setting a rule and
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
show examples
from the government can encourage them to join physical
activities
Use synonyms
and
reduced
Wrong verb form
reduce
show examples
screen
time
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by tifjong on

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Task Achievement
Your essay provides a clear response to the prompt, but it would benefit from deeper analysis and more detailed examples. Expand on your ideas and provide specific, relevant examples to strengthen your arguments.
Coherence & Cohesion
To improve clarity and coherence, focus on structuring your essay more logically. This could involve introducing clear topic sentences at the beginning of paragraphs, followed by supporting details, and concluding sentences that summary the paragraph's main point.
Task Achievement
Develop your ideas more fully by elaborating on the reasons behind the increase in television watching among children and by providing more concrete suggestions for encouraging physical activity. Use specific examples or data to support your arguments.
General
Address simple grammatical errors and typos to enhance readability and professionalism. Proofreading your work can greatly improve its overall quality.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • proliferation
  • accessible
  • double-income families
  • convenient
  • urbanization
  • leisure preferences
  • peer pressure
  • screen time
  • engaging
  • promote
  • tailored
  • educational campaigns
  • lifestyle choices
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