It is commonly believed that nowadays main factors that affect a child's development are media, pop culture and friends. A different point of view is that family plays the most significant role. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Some individuals believe that in the modern days social
media
, mass
culture
and friends
are the key factors that impact a child's evolvement. While
, the others believe that family has a considerable role in children
's growth because the family can breed their children
according to
their culture
and traditions, in my opinion, the first idea has more significant effects than families because young generation would sooner get in touch with social media
and their friends
than family.
On the one hand, many parents
try to behave well and have good communication with their children
in order to develop their children
as they want. Parents
believe that having dinner with their children
or spending time
with them may have positive impacts on them. It can have a temporary result in children
's treatment but these kinds of actions are not permanent and do not have deep influences. For instance
, many Iranian parents
try to have dinner with their children
to develop their opinions and personalities through communication, but young people do not pay attention to them and they evolve their personalities according to
the mass
culture
. Although
parents
try to develop the personality of children
, their effort is temporary and society has the most impact on their development.
On the other hand
, social media
, popular culture
, and friends
are thought to have deep impacts on children
's evolution. The majority of youngsters spend their most of time
with their friends
due to
they have more common in comparison with family. In addition
, they would rather treat based on trends and mass
culture
in order to show they are up to date. Moreover
, not only do they follow mass
culture
and spend time
with their friends
, but they also
spend most of their time
on social media
which many young people try to think of as the same as influencers. For example
, Iranian young people do different activities that become trends in Instagram and TikTok media
and even start some businesses that influencers advertise. In point of my view, young individuals develop themselves according to
societal trends and they are impacted by their friends
and media
more than by family.
In conclusion, however
, families try to impact their children
and breed them based on traditions, their impacts are minor and these are not deep and permanent, furthermore
, youngsters would rather pay attention to the mass
culture
, media
and their friends
because they find more common, as a result
, they spend more time
with them than their familySubmitted by hadadianmohamadhossein on
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clarity
To enhance clarity, work on refining sentence structure and ensure that each sentence serves a clear purpose. There are some ideas that could be expressed more concisely.
cohesion
Incorporate more transitional words and phrases to enhance the flow between ideas and paragraphs. This will help guide the reader through your arguments more seamlessly.
cohesion
Avoid redundancy. Be mindful of repeating the same point. For example, the essay mentions multiple times how social media and friends impact children. Each paragraph should introduce a new aspect or supporting detail.
task response
Provide further elaboration and specifics on how family impacts child development. While there is an example from Iranian culture, it would be helpful to provide more detailed personal or factual anecdotes to back up the arguments.
coherence
To improve coherence and cohesion, explicitly outline the structure in the introduction, detailing what each segment of the essay will discuss. Summarize these in your conclusion briefly as well.
support
You have provided relevant examples to support your points, which makes your essay more persuasive and grounded.
task response
The essay addresses both views and clearly states your own opinion, which fulfills the key requirements of the task.
structure
Your introduction and conclusion are present and effectively frame the discussion, providing a clear start and finish to your essay.
Word Count
IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.
A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.
Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.