IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organization. Why might be this case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed?

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These days,
people
Use synonyms
 are used to
be
Wrong verb form
being
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 self-employed rather than serving
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a company or organization.
This
Linking Words
 is mainly because of the stressful
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
 of the companies.
However
Linking Words
, there are certain disadvantages associated with being self-employed especially,
high
Correct article usage
the high
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 risk of collapsing and
need
Correct article usage
the need
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of investing
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to invest
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 more
money
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initially
Linking Words
. The major cause that drives
people
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 to initiate their own
business
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 is the increased stress of the
working place
Correct your spelling
workplace
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. It has become apparent that
,
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apply
show examples
 employees in
majority
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the majority
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 of companies are struggling to make a living by working
over-time
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overtime
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 in very toxic and stressful working environments. Once they
returned
Wrong verb form
return
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 home, they are completely exhausted and
this
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 negatively
impact
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impacts
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 on relationship between the family.
Eventually
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Eventually,
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this
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 will lead to the occurrence of non-communicable diseases as well.
For example
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, research carried out by the University of California revealed that
,
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apply
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 eight employees out of 10 suffered from high blood pressure.
In contrast
Linking Words
, if you are engaged with your own
business
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, ultimately, you will be having a good inner peace.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are a few drawbacks
behind
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to
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 being self-employed.
Preliminary
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The preliminary
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 one is the sudden
collapsing
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collapse
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due to
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 various reasons.
For instance
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,
people
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 who own
vehicle
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vehicles
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 importing and selling Ventures
face
Wrong verb form
have faced
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to
Change preposition
apply
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a disastrous situation recently because the government banned the importation of vehicles to the country. Another drawback is the need
of investing
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to invest
show examples
satisfactory
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the satisfactory
a satisfactory
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 amount of
money
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 in the initial stage. So
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
, it is quite challenging for
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a middle
the middle
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middle class
Add a hyphen
middle-class
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 person to start their own work unless they do not have
sufficient
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a sufficient
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 amount of
money
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, if the person is not keen on managing the resources again he is not willing to earn a profit from the
business
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. In conclusion, at present, there is a growing tendency of
people
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 to
shifting
Wrong verb form
shift
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their own
business
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 rather than working
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 an employer. The main reason for
this
Linking Words
 transformation is the increased stress caused by the organizations. Anyway,
possibility
Add an article
the possibility
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 of collapsing and
need
Correct article usage
the need
show examples
of investing
Change preposition
to invest
show examples
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
 amount of
money
Use synonyms
 can be identified as
major
Correct article usage
a major
show examples
drawbacks
Fix the agreement mistake
drawback
show examples
 of being self-employed.

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Task Achievement
For task achievement, ensure your essay fully addresses all parts of the task. Your essay discussed reasons for self-employment and its disadvantages, but more varied examples and a deeper analysis would enhance completeness. To improve, consider including a wider range of reasons for self-employment, as well as a discussion on the societal or economic impacts of this trend.
Coherence & Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, focus on structuring your essay more clearly. While you have an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, transitions between ideas could be smoother. Use a range of linking words to ensure a better flow. Additionally, each paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence that tells the reader what the paragraph will be about.
Supported Main Points
Developing your main points with more detailed examples and explanations will make your arguments more persuasive and your essay stronger. Whenever you mention a fact or observation, try to back it up with specific evidence or explain how it supports your main idea.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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