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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some parents encourage their children to be competitive, for example in sports and classes at school. Other parents think that encouraging competition can be harmful to their children.

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People have different views on the concept of
competition
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.
While
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 some claim that
competition
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 is a crucial aspect of
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children
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’s education, I firmly argue that tough
competition
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 in childhood could lead
children
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 to lose their self-confidence and give in to their possible
dreams
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. Those who are in favour of
competition
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 in education often reflect today’s societal values. When
children
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 grow up and start working for a company, cut-through
competition
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 might be waiting for them.
For instance
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, approximately 15 to 20 new employees are hired annually in an average size of
Japanese
Add an article
the Japanese
a Japanese
show examples
 company, and each one of them needs to put in a considerable amount of effort so as to receive a promotion.
Hence
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, establishing a habit of competing with others in early life seems to be a great practice for their future.
Nevertheless
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, I am strongly opposed to the idea of early
competition
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 for the following two reasons.
To begin
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, the environment, where tough
competition
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 is widespread, has a detrimental effect on
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children
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’s self-identity. Young
children
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,
in particular
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, have not fully developed confidence, self-esteem, and resilience, which results in impairing their positive outlook.
Due to
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 the lack of confidence formed by
competition
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,
children
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 may significantly be afraid of taking the initiative to try new things.
Additionally
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,
although
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 it is imperative for
children
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 to have a dream that they aspire to attain in the future,
competition
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 would hinder them from pursuing their
dreams
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as a result
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 of losing
competition
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.
Hence
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, not only does
competition
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 negatively impact
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children
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’s self-esteem, but it
also
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 poses a threat to their early
dreams
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. In conclusion, I must acknowledge that
competition
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 could provide
children
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 with essential mindsets for the future, I contend that it could do more harm to
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children
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’s confidence level and they may give up their
dreams
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 easily.

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Coherence/Cohesion
To enhance your logical structure, try creating a more organized approach to your argument. This can be done by clearly outlining your main points in the introduction, and then systematically addressing each one with supporting examples or evidence in the body paragraphs.
Coherence/Cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion. The introduction should outline the topics that will be discussed, while the conclusion should summarize the main points made, restate your position on the subject, and perhaps suggest a future outlook or solution.
Coherence/Cohesion
To better support your main points, make sure each argument is backed by clear, specific examples or evidence. This not only strengthens your position but also makes your essay more convincing and engaging to the reader.
Task Achievement
To achieve a more complete response, ensure that all aspects of the task are addressed. It can be beneficial to spend a moment planning your essay to make sure every part of the question is answered fully in your writing.
Task Achievement
Focus on expressing your ideas more clearly and comprehensively. This can involve elaborating on your points more thoroughly, ensuring that your arguments are fully developed and your essay fully explores the topic at hand.
Task Achievement
Incorporate more relevant and specific examples to support your arguments. Doing so can make your essay more persuasive and provide a solid foundation for your viewpoints.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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