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Writing Samples
Band 6

SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT RESOURCES SHOULD BE SPENT ON PROTECTING WILD ANIMALS, WHILE OTHERS THINK THOSE WOULD BE BETTER USED FOR THE HUMAN POPULATION.

#people #resources #animals #population
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The question of whether resources should be spent on protecting wild
animals
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 or for the improvement of the human population is a controversial topic in today's world. Both views will be discussed, and I will give my opinion
at the end
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 of the essay.
To begin
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 with, some
people
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 suggest that resources should be spent on protecting wild
animals
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.
First,
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deforestation is a major cause
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due to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 overpopulation.
People
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 have started to construct commercial buildings and industries in the forest region. By doing so, a lot of wild
animals
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 will be homeless.
Moreover
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,
people
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 have started to hunt
animals
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 for their tusks and skin, and
as a result
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, the animal population has decreased over a period of time.
For instance
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, white elephants in Africa have become extinct species;
additionally
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, Bengal tigers in India have reduced in number.
Therefore
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, resources should be spent to protect wild
animals
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 before they become history.
On the other hand
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,
people
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 strongly argue that money should be used for the human population.
To begin
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 with, education plays a major part in a country's development.
Due to
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 poverty, parents cannot afford a good education for their children, and they are forced to work in their early years.
Furthermore
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, few
people
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 are seen homeless on the roads because of their financial crisis. To illustrate, in 2007, a car accident caused seven deaths among those who slept on platforms because they were homeless.
Since the
Correct word choice
The
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 government should make arrangements to provide free education and make
few
Correct article usage
a few
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 plans to uplift the lives of the poor.
To conclude
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, both humans and
animals
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 are considered life forms who share
this
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 earth. In my perspective, money should be spent equally on wild
animals
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 for their protection and the enhancement of human lives.
Submitted by insighttribez on

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Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that your response fully addresses all parts of the task prompt. Expand on your ideas with more detailed examples and ensure each point directly contributes to answering the question posed.
Task Achievement
Enhance clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas by delving deeper into each argument presented. For each viewpoint, provide more specific examples and data to strengthen your position and make your ideas more persuasive.
Coherence and Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay is well-organized and transitions smoothly between ideas, which is commendable. To further improve, consider varying your sentence structures and incorporating more linking phrases to connect ideas more seamlessly within and between paragraphs.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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