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Band 6

Both governments and individuals are spending vast amounts of money protecting animals and their habitat. This money could be better spent dealing with fundamental issues in the society such as poverty and health care. To what extent do you agree?

#governments #individuals #amounts #money #animals #habitat #society #poverty #health #care
Nowadays an increasing number of rare
animals
 are in danger of extinction. In today’s climate, the issue of spending
money
 to protect
animals
 and their habitat has become a controversial minefield. There is a widely held view that it is better to spend that amount of
money
 on society’s problems, a theory which I strongly disapprove of. The main justification why not spending
money
 to preserve
wildlife
 is not fruitful is the fact that endangered
animals
 go extinct.
Wildlife
 is a country’s heritage and treasure,
however
, humans have done various activities which
damaged
Wrong verb form
damage
show examples
 the environment. An illustration of
this
 fact is the high number of factories and private cars which produce carbon dioxide and lead to air pollution.
Also
, they have destroyed forests to make sprawling cities or use their woods. Not only does these ruin
animals
’
wildlife
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 put them in danger of extinction.
Therefore
 it is human’s responsibility to take care of rare
animals
. There are a few facts regarding the benefits of protecting rare
animals
. First and foremost, protecting
wildlife
 leads to biodiversity.
In other words
, every animal has its own role in the environment, so
for having
Change preposition
to have
show examples
 a healthy ecosystem it is important to have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy
wildlife
.
For example
, worms have vital roles in the ecosystem
such
 as being the food of birds and making holes in the garden to reach oxygen to the down layers of soil. Another merit is the fact that future generations will be able to see
wildlife
. It is their right to see rare
animals
. What can be concluded from the discussion revolving around spending a huge amount of
money
 protecting
animals
 is that I find myself among those who believe that it is human’s responsibility to preserve
wildlife
Submitted by ashkanmlk80 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, at least two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Your essay mostly follows this structure, but the conclusion could be more comprehensive by summarizing your main points more effectively.
coherence cohesion
For better cohesion, use a wider range of linking words and phrases to show the relationship between ideas. While your essay utilizes some connectors, varying them and using them more effectively will improve the flow of your writing.
task achievement
Respond to all parts of the question. Your essay focuses substantially on the importance of protecting animals but can improve by briefly acknowledging the opposing viewpoint before refuting it. This will strengthen your argument and show a well-rounded understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Include a variety of specific examples to support your points. You've provided some examples, but adding more specific incidents or statistics will enhance your argument's credibility and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • biodiversity
  • ecosystem services
  • ethical imperative
  • conservation
  • natural habitats
  • interconnectedness
  • preclude
  • false dichotomy
  • holistic approaches
  • sustainable development
  • environmental stewardship
  • social welfare
  • poverty alleviation
  • eco-tourism
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