IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

You would like to take admission at the college. Write a letter to the program coordinator in charge of the course and ask for detailed information on the deadline dates, the program, the accommodation.

#admission #college #program #coordinator #charge #course #information #deadline #dates #accommodation
I am writing to concern with taking admission
at
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to
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 the college. I want to know some information about the deadline dates because I am planning to go on holiday on 1st July. Please send me all of
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the detials
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detials
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details
 about
deadline
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the deadline
a deadline
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. I wish to know about the program
whether
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apply
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what kind of program is and how much is their duration. It is interesting to know how many lecturers are in that
programe
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programme
program
. I would
like
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like to
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 know about accommodation . I know that
in
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apply
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your college
have
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has
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 a lot of accommodation for the
student
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students
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. It is convenient for me that I stay
a
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in a
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single room and have a
seperate
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separate
 bathroom ,
bedroom
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a bedroom
the bedroom
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 must
has
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have
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to
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two
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 windows . I
perfer
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prefer
 to
conect
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connect
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to storong
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storong
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strong
 internet with wifi . So
to
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apply
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send me your offer about accommodation and send me your contact number
for calling
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so I can call
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 you . I am looking forward to hearing your answer as soon as possible. Yours
faitfully
Correct your spelling
faithfully
 Zohrab
Submitted by zohrab-gevorgyan on

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Greeting
Your letter begins without a formal greeting, which is necessary in formal correspondence. Consider starting with 'Dear [Program Coordinator's Name]' or 'Dear Program Coordinator,' to immediately engage with the reader in a respectful manner.
Logical Structure
Your letter could benefit from a more structured layout. Each paragraph should focus on a single request or question, which you've mostly achieved, but ensure they are clearly separated and follow a logical sequence. This enhances readability and coherence.
Closing
Make sure to close your letter formally to maintain the appropriate tone throughout. Use 'Yours faithfully,' (when you don't know the name of the person) followed by your full name.
Complete Response
To improve task achievement, ensure you address all parts of the prompt comprehensively. You've covered the main points but providing more detailed inquiries and perhaps showing more knowledge or interest in the program could strengthen your letter.
Suitable Writing Tone
The tone of your writing is mostly suitable for formal communication. However, be mindful of using more formal language and sentence structures, avoiding contractions ('I am' instead of 'I'm') and ensuring correctness in grammar and vocabulary to align with formal writing standards.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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