IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugars which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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A number of packaged food and drink products have high levels of sugar.
This
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 leads to severely unhealthy causes. Sugary products should be priced higher to encourage people to consume less sugar. I partially agree with
this
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 statement. On one hand, Adding tax to
such
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 products containing high amounts of sweetened materials to increase their prices will definitely obstruct the ability of one to purchase them.
Hence
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, what comes after will, of course, be a healthier lifestyle for society.
For instance
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,
according to
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 a recent study from The Faculty of Economics, at Harvard University, 80% of American buyers will willingly spend 30% less of their money on any product of which the price is 10% more expensive.
Moreover
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, daily expense undeniably affects any decision-making in real life. In a world of Capitalism where money is gold, increasing expenditure, particularly on certain types of food, will lead to less consumption.
On the other hand
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, in certain developed countries where money is not considered a factor in making any decisions. Higher prices can barely affect the consumer's behaviour.
Instead
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 of having a high-taxed wall, education can be a more effective way to suggest that citizens consume less sugary food.
In addition
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, strong promotions from the government are another efficient method to leading society to a healthier lifestyle, not only because of the wider range of the publications the government can publish in the media but
also
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 because of the trustability it can provide. To illustrate
this
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, a survey which has recently been conducted by the New York Times stated that two-thirds of the U.S. population are more aware of keeping their bodies fit when it comes to trustable media, published by the government
in particular
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.
To conclude
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, numerous levels of sweetened foods can cause several unhealthy issues .
This
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 problem can be solved by not only increasing their tax wall but
also
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 promoting how unbeneficial it is to the citizens.

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task achievement
Consider developing your arguments more thoroughly by providing additional examples or evidence to strengthen your points. This will enhance the depth and originality of your response.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your conclusion directly reflects the points made in your essay, reinforcing the coherence of the argument.
task achievement
Clarifying the primary stance of your essay in the introduction can help set a clearer context for the reader, which may improve task achievement.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a well-structured argument with a clear introduction and conclusion. It follows a logical progression of ideas, making it easy for the reader to follow.
task achievement
Relevant points are provided for both sides of the argument, demonstrating a balanced approach to addressing the task.
task achievement
The examples used, particularly the Harvard study and New York Times survey, effectively support the argument, adding credibility.
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