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Band 6.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
It is true that there is an excess amount of sugar in different
products
people
 consume, leading to
health
 issues.
While
 making these foods and drinks might deter
people
 from buying sugary
products
, I disagree with the idea that charging consumers more would have more negatives than positives. From my perspective, preventing
people
 from buying sugary
products
 can have striking benefits for society. Raising the
price
 of sugary food and drink
products
 would encourage each individual to consume less amount of them. Using
such
products
 tends to increase the number of
people
 who suffer from
health
 problems like diabetes and brain-related diseases.
Subsequently
, the demand for
health
 services will increase significantly, forcing the state to spend more amount of money on
health
 insurance, which
otherwise
 could be poured into other crucial infrastructures related to education and employment.
Consequently
,
this
 trend can give different benefits to the whole community.
However
, there are two main reasons why I believe that governments shouldn't shoot up the
products
'
price
.
Firstly
,
this
 is against the individual's freedom, as each person is his or her own boss.
People
 have to choose as they wish, and the most important thing is personal choice. Increasing the
price
 of
products
 not only prevents
people
 from buying them but
also
 might make them consume more because of their resentment against the government.
Secondly
, only poor families can't afford to buy processed food and beverages,
although
 rich
people
 won't consider the
price
 of
such
products
.
This
 would make sweets, cakes and ice creams a luxury product, which is far from the results had been aimed. In conclusion,
although
 making food and drink
products
 more expensive may prevent
people
 from conserving them, I believe that its merits far outweigh the drawbacks.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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Task Achievement
Task Achievement: To improve, ensure your response is fully developed with more comprehensive ideas and examples. Your argument could be strengthened by presenting more detailed reasons and evidence supporting your position. Also, consider discussing potential counterarguments and refuting them to make your essay more persuasive.
Coherence and Cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: Overall, your essay is well-structured and logical. To enhance, work on linking your main points more effectively. Using a wider range of linking words and phrases can improve the flow of your essay. Additionally, aim for consistency in your paragraph structure, ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single main idea supported by examples or explanations.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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