IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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It is certainly true that with the widespread usage of
smartphones
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 increasing among all ages,
children
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 are becoming more prone to overusing phones. There are several reasons behind
this
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 situation and
i
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I
show examples
 find
this
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 development more detrimental than positive.
This
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 essay will discuss the reasons why
this
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 trend has equal positive and negative effects. In today’s technological era, it is undeniable that the majority of people are prone to spending significant amounts of time on technological devices. Particularly, the
parents
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 of the new generation are completely captivated by the allure of social media;
therefore
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 with the emulation of their
parents
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,
children
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also
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 become more addicted to their
smartphones
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. With the advancement of
Internet
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the Internet
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, mobile phones become more charming
due to
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 their utility,
such
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 as staying connected with our relatives,
parents
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 and friends. Its utilities are not restricted to entertainment or connecting, it can
also
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 provide
children
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 with the opportunity to learn a new language. There are a lot of applications that aspire to teach
children
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 a new language on their own.
Additionally
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, there are an enormous amount of tutors who are eager to give
children
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 free tutorials through YouTube channels.
On the other hand
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, it has some drawbacks that could adversely affect
children
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. One of the most significant downsides is the risk of exposure to individuals with malicious intentions who may attempt to deceive them.
Moreover
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, there are numerous distractions that may lead
children
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 to forget their responsibilities. Excessive
smartphones
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 make them find daily essentials less captivating.
For instance
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, a child who
play
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plays
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 games for hours may be less inclined to strive for academic subjects. His brain isn’t stimulated
while
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 reading a book or article
due to
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 a loss of interest.
Overall
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, the overuse of
smartphones
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 on a daily basis has negative impacts on
children
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.
However
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, if
parents
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 can strike a balance through supervising their
children
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’s phone usage, it can
also
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 have positive effects.
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task achievement
Ensure a clear position throughout your essay. While you mentioned finding the development detrimental, the essay suggests both positive and negative impacts without a strong stance.
coherence & cohesion
Introduce each paragraph with a topic sentence that clearly states the main idea to improve readability and coherence.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific examples to support your arguments. Use personal or observed instances where smartphone use has clearly had positive or negative impacts on children.
task achievement
Maintain consistency in your argument. If you find the development more detrimental, ensure that your conclusion strongly supports this view to avoid confusing the reader.
coherence & cohesion
Use paragraphs effectively to organize your essay. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea, with a clear connection between them.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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