IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many people think that money is important to achieve happiness. What is the importance of money to happiness? Give reasons for your answer and include examples from your experience.

Happiness
Use synonyms
 is the ultimate goal of everyone in life. Some think that
this
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 can be achieved through accumulating
money
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, as it would provide for their basic needs. In
this
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 essay, I will give reasons to prove that other than
money
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, good
health
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 and healthy
relationships
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 are the primary factors that contribute to one's
happiness
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.
To begin
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 with, others might believe that a person needs a lot of
money
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 in order to be happy. It is somewhat true as it provides the basic needs of humans.
However
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, it does not guarantee
happiness
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.
For instance
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, a photographer who was well-known all over the world committed suicide because he got depressed over the war and famine he witnessed when he was travelling abroad. Despite his success, he fell into depression.
Thus
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,
money
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 does not ensure
happiness
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.
On the other hand
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, healthy
relationships
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 are one of the keys to
happiness
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. People are happier when they are surrounded by loving family and friends.
That is
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 why most of the time they long for companionship when they are going through hard times, as problems become more bearable when shared with others.
Thus
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, meaningful
relationships
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 contribute significantly to a person's emotional well-being.
In addition
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 to that,
health
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 is another factor in achieving a happy life. As no amount of
money
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 could replace a deteriorated
health
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.
For instance
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, the Covid-19 pandemic has proved
this
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. The consequences of a weak immune system have unexpectedly killed millions of people across the globe.
Hence
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, people should start taking care of their physical and mental well-being with proper exercise and diet in order to maintain good
health
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. In conclusion, though
money
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 offers financial security, it does not secure joy in life.
However
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, I believe that
happiness
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 is attained with healthy
relationships
Use synonyms
 and good
health
Use synonyms
.

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Introduction and Conclusion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The introduction sets forth the topic and your main argument. Each body paragraph should have one main idea supported by examples or explanations, and the conclusion should summarise your key points and restate your main argument in light of the discussion.
Cohesive Devices
Improve the logical flow of your essay by using cohesive devices effectively. Transition words and phrases like 'however,' 'on the other hand,' and 'in addition' can help create a smooth flow between sentences and paragraphs. Making sure that each paragraph flows logically from one to the next will enhance the overall coherence of your essay.
Supporting Examples
Support each of your main points with specific examples or detailed explanations. Your arguments will become more convincing to the reader if they are grounded in real-life examples or detailed reasoning. Furthermore, providing more detailed examples will help you achieve a higher task response score.
Idea Development
Develop your ideas fully and provide a more in-depth analysis. Your essay will be stronger if you explore your points more fully, perhaps by considering counterarguments or by explaining the implications of your arguments. Offering a comprehensive discussion can lead to a higher score in task achievement.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • facilitation
  • foundational
  • comfort
  • financial stability
  • pursue hobbies
  • passionate
  • fulfilling
  • satisfying
  • financial security
  • peace of mind
  • mental well-being
  • fostering
  • social connections
  • fulfillment
  • material possessions
  • lasting memories
  • satisfaction
  • diminishing returns
  • wealth
  • translate
  • significant
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