IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #music #cultures #ages
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Since pre-historic times,
music
 has always been the lifeblood of folks. With the widespread acceptance of multinationalism,
people
 are more prone to listening to an eclectic mix of distinct genres than they used to be. In my opinion, any type of
music
 could please one’s ears regardless of age or nation.
Therefore
, the globalisation of
music
 is undeniable.
This
 essay will discuss the mentioned statement from the perspective of my bias. On the one hand, the advancement of technology
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 enables
people
 to have insight into the other side of the world. Thereby, the perspectives of
people
 have drastically changed.
Besides
, they have become more eager to acquire a deep knowledge of other cultures.
For instance
, the majority of children from Turkey are a big fan of K-pop and they opt to listen to whatever comes to them . Some
stream
Replace the word
streaming
show examples
 services and online platforms have
also
 contributed to
those alteration
Change the determiner
that alteration
those alterations
show examples
 of preferences. Another reason is the enhancement of transportation means which allows singers to organise concerts wherever they want to go.
On the other hand
, there are some racist
people
 who have never been interested the songs that
in
Add a missing verb
are in
show examples
 different languages. Those who have strict attitudes against the
people
 different from them may not be engaged with the songs that have different cultural backgrounds, even
though
Correct your spelling
through
show examples
 cultural globalization.
To conclude
,
music
 is universal and it uplifts our spirits, and I agree that the preferences of genres do not depend on
people
’s age or culture but it mostly depends on the temperaments of
people
Submitted by aleynacanacikel on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Consider incorporating more varied and complex sentence structures to refine and diversify your writing style.
task achievement
Expand your arguments with more diversified examples and evidence from various sources to strengthen your points and make your essay more persuasive.
task achievement
Focus on more precise and formal vocabulary to enhance the academic tone of your essay. Avoid overly casual language and ensure precision in your word choice.
coherence cohesion
Organize your essay more effectively by clearly delineating your paragraphs, each focusing on a single main idea, supported by examples or explanations. This will improve readability and argumentative structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
What to do next:
Look at other essays: