IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people argue that it is better to be unemployed than to be employed in jobs they do not enjoy. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #jobs
Many are of the opinion that being unemployed might less harmful for
people
 compared to employed workers without
enjoyment
.
Although
 some argue
this
 would be the reality, other groups of society insist that
people
 should be able to find other benefit rather than
enjoyment
 from their
work
such
 as building up their social networking and finding other opportunities. Proponents might support that individuals should find the genuine interest point they can enjoy from their professional position. To specify
this
, in order to maintain their
work
 in a long-term for the
job
, it can be considered that the ture passion into their
work
 should be followed.
Otherwise
,
people
 might get easily burn-out from their
work
 which leads
people
 to resign their position in a short-term. On top of
this
, unenjoyable
work
 may bring excessive stress on them which can sometimes trigger
people
's mental health issues.
As a result
 of
this
,
people
 who experienced these issues
while
 working might not back to the
work
 again. In spite of the compelling rationles of the issue, oppenents raises their voices emphasising that individuals might be able to find other advancements from their professional careers which might
also
 be valuable as much as
enjoyment
.
This
due to
 the fact that professional workers can expand their social networking by engaging and participating relevant projects working with workers being employed by different fields.
In addition
 to
this
,
people
 can maintain thier qulity of life by still earning the regualr income as the basic reason of working. Like
this
, maintaining the
job
,
although
people
 do not enjoy them, may result in bringing other
job
 opportunities in which they are passionate at
last
while
 they still have their salaries to balance between
work
 and the personal life. In conclusion,
although
 there are
people
 advocating the viewpoint that
people
 should not
work
 which they do not find interest and
enjoyment
, the latter point of view seems to be more convinced to me which argues that
people
 might be able to expand thier
job
 networking to find more appropriate
work
 for themselves with their incomes.
Submitted by yeseulyou92 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea that is developed logically. Improve paragraph transitions for smoother flow.
Task Achievement
Expand on your examples with more detail to illustrate your points fully. Consider the use of real-world scenarios or hypothetical situations to make your argument more compelling.
General
Remember to proofread your essay for grammatical accuracy and vocabulary range. This enhances the clarity of your arguments and your overall score.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Personal fulfillment
  • Unfulfilling job
  • Mental health
  • Physical health
  • Financial stability
  • Job security
  • Societal norms
  • Career choices
  • Pursuing passion
  • Practicality
  • Personal growth
  • Skill development
  • Self-esteem
  • Social status
  • Work-life balance
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