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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with other old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes the government has to pay for this care. Who do you think should pay for this care, the government or the family?

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It is important for society to think about the life of its elderly and more importantly the source of their funds for living.
Although
 there is support from the state, other sources must be considered
such
 as their
families
.
This
 essay believes that the burden must be put on the shoulders of their
families
 in the first place and
then
 the government because it is a moral matter for their loved ones and for the government towards its citizens.
To begin
 with, it must be noted that the old people were once on their feet and not only could they take care of themselves but others around them as well.
Furthermore
, they took care of their children and grandchildren
while
 they could.
Therefore
, it is only fair if they receive the service they gave back once they are in need.Even though it might sound unfair, we must consider the time when we get in their place and need others’ help.
Moreover
, many of these elderlies have left properties for their children in advance
along with
 many other sources of income so it is only fair to give a portion of that back to them
while
 they are alive.
However
, there are always worse situations which we must consider.
For instance
, a noticeable percentage of people in nursing homes have lost their
families
 or never even had one.
Nevertheless
, there are those who are not even in contact with their loved ones or even worse, no one is willing to look after them.Because of
this
, it is on the state to look after these men and women since it is important for the society that their elected government support them. After all , the old people have paid taxes when they could so part of that money must get back to them in
this
 vital situation. In conclusion, it must be said that
families
 should take care of their old ones as far as they can.To be continued, for those with no outside support, the state should be in charge of
this
 matter so we get to have an even society.
Submitted by mhosseinnaseri14 on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance your essay further, consider integrating a wider variety of cohesive devices to link ideas more fluidly throughout the essay. This can include the use of synonyms to avoid repetition, as well as connective phrases that explicitly show cause and effect or contrast.
task achievement
Consider expanding your discussion with more specific examples that directly support your main points. Real-life examples or hypothetical scenarios can significantly strengthen your argument by providing clearer, more tangible evidence.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Aging population
  • Elderly care
  • Nursing homes
  • Social welfare
  • Intergenerational responsibility
  • Caregiving
  • Financial burden
  • Quality of life
  • Pension funds
  • Healthcare policy
  • Taxation
  • Subsidies
  • Private insurance
  • Long-term care
  • Sustainability
What to do next:
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