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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table shows the number of people (millions) that remain undernourished around the world from 2000 to 2009. The chart displays the global price of two food grains over the same period.

The table shows the number of people (millions) that remain undernourished around the world from 2000 to 2009. The chart displays the global price of two food grains over the same period.
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THE TABLE ILLUSTRATES THE NUMBER OF
PEOPLE
Use synonyms
WITH
Change preposition
apply
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MILLIONS
Use synonyms
 THAT
STAY
Wrong verb form
STAYED
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 UNDERNOURISHED ENTIRE THE WORLD IN 2000 AND 2009. THE LINE CHART DEMONSTRATES THE
PRICE
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 OF GRAINS OVER THE SAME
YEARS
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.
OVERALL
Linking Words
,
ALTHOUGH
Linking Words
 IT INCREASED SLIGHTLY IN
Use synonyms
FIRST
Correct article usage
THE FIRST
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YEARS
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, IT SKYROCKETED IN THE NUMBER OF
MILLIONS
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 OF
PEOPLE
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 DURING THE
LAST
Linking Words
 3
YEARS
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.
FURTHERMORE
Linking Words
,
PRICES
Correct article usage
THE PRICES
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 OF WHEAT AND RICE
WAS
Unnecessary verb
apply
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PROVED TO BE THE SAME AMOUNT IN
Use synonyms
FIRST
Change the article
THE FIRST
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 YEAR;
HOWEVER
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
PRICE
Correct article usage
THE PRICE
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 OF WHEAT EXPERIENCED MORE IN ALL
YEARS
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 EXCEPT FOR 2006 AND HIT THE HIGHEST POINT IN
Linking Words
LAST
Correct article usage
THE LAST
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 YEAR. IN 2000, INDIVIDUALS CONSUMED LESS FOOD AND DRINK WITH 857000000 COMPARED WITH THE FOLLOWING
YEARS
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. UNTIL 2006, THE NUMBER OF
PEOPLE
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 WITH
MILLIONS
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 ROSE MARGINALLY FROM 857000000 TO 876000000. THE MOST NOTEWORTHY SURGE WAS EXPERIENCED BETWEEN 2006 AND 2009 WHICH PEAKED
BY
Change preposition
AT
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 148
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MILLIONS
Fix the agreement mistake
MILLION
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OF
Change preposition
apply
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PEOPLE
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. REGARDING THE LINE GRAPH,
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PRICE
Correct article usage
THE PRICE
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 OF RICE SHOWED
FLUCTIATIONS
Correct your spelling
FLUCTUATION
 IN
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FIRST
Correct article usage
THE FIRST
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YEARS
Use synonyms
 AND WAS RECORDED FOR 200
DOLLAR
Fix the agreement mistake
DOLLARS
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 PER TON IN 2000.
NEVERTHELESS
Linking Words
 IT SURGED TO 400 AND DIVED TO 300 DURING THE
FIRST
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 6
YEARS
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, IT SOARED FROM 300 TO 1150 OVER THE
LAST
Linking Words
 3
YEARS
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 AND OCCUPIED THE TOPMOST PLACE. LOOKING AT THE
PRICE
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 OF RICE,
IT
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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WAS REGISTERED TO BE 200 WHICH WAS THE SAME
WITH
Change preposition
AS
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 WHEAT. FROM 2000 TO 2004, REMAINED UNCHANGED AND
Change preposition
OVER
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BY
Change preposition
OVER
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 THE
YEARS
Use synonyms
, IT JUMPED FROM 200 TO 900 DOLLARS.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, millions, price, years, first with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "surge" was used 2 times.
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