IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Television as powerful educational tool or mindless entertainment ? What extent do you agree or disagree ?

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Some proponents argue that
television
Use synonyms
 could be credibly equipment applied for thriving teenagers' knowledge and even it is intended for enjoyable activities. Despite, the gadget's positive impacts on human life, I personally believe that there is a drawback
that is
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 required to be evaluated. On the one hand,
television
Use synonyms
 may contribute the real action, which is tailored to accelerate children's cognitive and motoric rates. Regarding the notion, in 2023, TV has been designed more captivating for teenagers with colour animation and adorable characters, so that they want to stay longer.
For example
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, students in elementary school could comprehend quicker the subjects, including knowledge and language after they have been exposed to TV programs, for approximately four to five hours a day.
Therefore
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, a number of people comfortably keep up the method to elevate their children's brain development.
On the other hand
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, I am individually considering that
television
Use synonyms
 arouses serious disease for young people. The ability of human eyes is only two to three hours per day to see ultraviolet light that has been installed in the technology.
For instance
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,
according to
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 a study carried out by the Indonesian health ministry in 2024 over 50% of teenagers, ten to fifteen years old, have suffered from eye cancer issues.
As a result
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, by taking into account the problem, I privately believe that people attempt to avoid that tool for mitigating more serious effects.
To sum up
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, there is an opinion that
television
Use synonyms
 could incredibly stimulate children's brain capacity and leisure activity.
However
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, in my perspective, I compromise that terrible issues,
such
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 as cancer, are unavoidable.

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, make sure your response thoroughly addresses the question asked. Clarify your position on whether you agree or disagree with the statement, and explore both aspects of the argument (educational tool and mindless entertainment) in a balanced manner.
task achievement
Enhance clear and comprehensive ideas by developing a clearer thesis statement and supporting each viewpoint with more detailed examples and explanations. Demonstrating how each example directly supports your argument can strengthen your essay significantly.
task achievement
To provide more relevant and specific examples, consider including a broader range of sources or studies. Relate your examples more closely to the topic and ensure they contribute to making your argument more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Improve logical structure by presenting ideas in a more organized manner. Use clear paragraphing to distinguish between introductory remarks, supporting arguments, and your conclusion. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and progresses logically to the next.
coherence cohesion
Ensure the introduction and conclusion are distinct, and each serves its purpose effectively. The introduction should clearly set the stage for your argument, while the conclusion should neatly summarize and restate your viewpoints.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the support for your main points by elaborating on each with more detail and depth. This can involve adding more data, examples, or explaining the reasoning behind your arguments further.
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