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Band 7.5

Television as powerful educational tool or mindless entertainment ? What extent do you agree or disagree ?

#television #tool #entertainment
Some proponents argue that modern technology,
such
 as
television
, could be credible equipment applied for educating teenagers and even it is intended for enjoyable activities without thinking. Despite, it brings positive impacts on human life, I partially believe that there is a drawback
that is
 required to be evaluated. On the one hand,
television
 may contribute the real action, which is tailored to accelerate children's cognitive and motoric rates. Regarding the notion, in 2023, TV has been designed more captivating for teenagers with colour animation and adorable characters, so that they want to stay longer.
For example
, students in elementary school could comprehend quicker the subjects, including knowledge and language after they have been exposed to TV programs, for approximately four to five hours a day.
Therefore
, a number of people comfortably keep up the method to elevate their children's brain development.
On the other hand
, I am individually considering that
television
 arouses serious disease for young people. The ability of human eyes is only two to three hours per day to see ultraviolet light that has been installed in the technology.
Consequently
,
according to
 a study carried out by the Indonesian health ministry in 2024 over 50% of teenagers, ten to fifteen years old, have suffered from eye cancer issues.
As a result
, by taking into account the problem, I privately believe that people attempt to avoid that tool for mitigating more serious effects.
To sum up
, there is an opinion that
television
 could incredibly stimulate children's brain capacity and leisure activity.
However
, in my perspective, I compromise that terrible issues,
such
 as cancer, are unavoidable.
Submitted by soniandriawan1992 on

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task response
To improve your score, aim for a clearer and more comprehensive response to the task. Make sure you precisely address the essay prompt, providing balanced views if you partially agree or disagree.
cohesion
Enhance the clarity of your ideas by ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single main point. This will make your essay more coherent and easier to follow.
cohesion
Incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases to better connect your ideas and paragraphs. This can significantly improve the flow of your essay.
task response
Provide more varied and detailed examples to support your points. Examples should be relevant, specific, and clearly linked to your arguments. This will strengthen your essay's persuasive power.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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