IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Problem /Solution Stress-related illnesses are becoming increasingly common. -What do you think are the causes of this? - What solution can you suggest?

#illnesses #-what
Nowadays, it is quite alarming in our society the increasing number of people getting sick
due to
 stress. It is important that we should
also
 have time to relax and enjoy life. Work is one of the causes of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
stress especially if you are in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 managerial position. Being a Manager plays a significant role
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the restaurant
that
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 all of the burden of finances and issues of the operations are your responsibilities. In spite of your day off, you need to give extra hands in time of short of manpower or do extend duty hour
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
 and should be available
everytime
Replace the word
every time
show examples
 to answer calls if
someting
Correct your spelling
something
happen
Change the verb form
happens
show examples
 in the store.
For instance
, staying extra
hour
Fix the agreement mistake
hours
show examples
 for the pending works to be done, being
pressure
Wrong verb form
pressured
show examples
 for the monthly quota and handling customer complaints and manpower issues. Next is
Financial
Replace the word
Finances
show examples
, it is common to all people
that
is
Correct pronoun usage
this is
show examples
 one of the
cause
Change to a plural noun
causes
show examples
 why we get stress especially if have already our own family and
as well as
 a breadwinner. It
Add a missing verb
is hards
show examples
hards
Fix the agreement mistake
hard
show examples
 to divide the monthly salary for the bills, house rent, food and transportation allowance and
then
 some unexpected circumstances will happen. Like, accidents of natural
disaster
Fix the agreement mistake
disasters
show examples
 like
flood
Fix the agreement mistake
floods
show examples
,, earthquake and
fire
Fix the agreement mistake
fires
show examples
.
Therefore
,
Company
Correct article usage
the Company
show examples
 should pay attention to the other needs of the Staff. Arrange a team building once a year for staff to have time to relax, enjoy with
collegues
Correct your spelling
colleagues
 friends and meet the other departments of the Company. As
well
Correct your spelling
will
show examples
 us provide loans without interest
rate
Fix the agreement mistake
rates
show examples
 to help the finances of the staff
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 during emergencies.
Submitted by quilisadioanalyn19 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure but could benefit from a more distinct separation between paragraphs. Consider using transitional phrases to ensure a smoother flow of ideas between each section.
task achievement
Introduce your essay with a stronger thesis statement that directly addresses the causes and solutions to stress-related illnesses. This helps set up your essay for a more focused discussion.
coherence cohesion
Include a clear conclusion that summarizes the causes of stress you've mentioned and reiterates the solutions you suggest. This will give your essay a sense of closure and reinforce your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of sentence structures and aim for more complex grammatical constructions to make your essay more engaging and to demonstrate a higher level of English proficiency.
task achievement
Incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, particularly related to the topic of stress and well-being, to enrich your essay and more precisely convey your ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!