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Band 6.5

Some people think children should do extra-classes after school. Others disagree and say they should play sports outside their school hours. What is your opinion on this? Suggest healthy ways for children to develop.

#people #children #extra-classes #school #sports #hours
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Many people believe that
children
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 should study some extra activities after
school
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 lessons.
On the other hand
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, some people disagree with
this
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 point of view and claim that it would be better for the young generation to play
sports
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 after their
school
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day
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. As for me, I side with the latter group of people. First of all, physical activity is really important for
children
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's health and development.
According to
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 current articles I have read,
children
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 should walk or play some
sports
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 for at least an hour per
day
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.
However
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, during the
school
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day
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, pupils have to sit in classes for several hours and usually, the physical culture lesson takes place in the
school
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 timetable only two or three times per week which is obviously not enough.
That is
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 why it is crucial to organize some extra activities for pupils after their
school
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 time.
Moreover
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, sport helps
children
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 to develop a wide range of
skills
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.
For example
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, my nephew is a member of a junior football team. Playing team
sports
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 helps him to develop his communication
skills
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 and learn how to work in a team.
Also
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, as a sportsman, he has to build strong discipline and learn how to behave when you win or lose. All these
skills
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 will definitely help him in his adult life.
To sum up
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, playing
sports
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 outside
school
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 hours helps not only to raise healthy offspring
,
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apply
show examples
 but
also
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 develops various important
skills
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 in them. I reckon that pupils study enough during lessons and should free their minds and develop different parts of their bodies after a
school
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day
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.
Submitted by nzgvrv on

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Task Achievement
Consider expanding your essay by giving specific examples or research findings that affirm the benefits of sports for children, which can strengthen task response.
Task Achievement
Balance the discussion on both viewpoints slightly more, even if your stance is clear, to give an even fuller response to the prompt.
Coherence and Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, integrate transition words or phrases between paragraphs to improve the flow of arguments more seamlessly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to diversify your sentence structures and vocabulary to make your points more dynamic and engaging.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • complement
  • curriculum
  • personalized attention
  • holistic development
  • resilience
  • balanced lifestyle
  • well-rounded development
  • faculties
  • socially adept
  • creative arts
  • outdoor exploration
  • empathetic
  • adaptable
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