IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people say that the price increase of fattening foods will solve this problem.

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Nowadays the number of obese
people
Use synonyms
 is increasing rapidly.
People
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 around the world are worrying about
this
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 phenomenon, and giving an opinion of escalating the cost of high-calorie
meals
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. Considering the taxes and
people
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’s
food
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 choices,
as well as
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 the metabolic system, I believe
this
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 solution is likely to exacerbate the fattening situation.
Firstly
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, the expansion of fattening
food
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 choices cannot alter
people
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’s longing for oily
meals
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, or even cannot make them buy healthier fare.
For instance
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, citizens of developed countries have enough money to buy their flavoursome dishes,
such
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 as junk foods or fattening
meals
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, and
although
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 it charges them more payment, they will not lose so much money.
For instance
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, in America, there was an experiment and the cost of hot dogs doubled from 4 to 8 dollars. Despite
this
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 cost , the hot dogs were sold as much as they were cheap.
Moreover
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, if it is about the citizens of developing countries, they try to avoid purchasing high-payment dishes; either fatty
food
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 or healthy
food
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. It is likely that cheaper meal options, they are buying, cannot be considered healthy
meals
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. Unhealthy calories often remain cheaper than healthier options, making junk
food
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 more accessible. It is going to say that,
people
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 are gaining weight, even in periods of high
food
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 prices.
Secondly
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, nowadays it is known that fattening meal is not the main issue of obesity. Physical inactivity, a sedentary lifestyle and incorrect dietary habits are considered the contribute to the fatness of
people
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. It could be a worthy approach to make
people
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 do more exercise on a daily basis to avoid gaining weight.
In addition
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 to
this
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, the government could impose a variety of sports events among the community to help
people
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 give up a sedentary lifestyle.
Moreover
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, to attain a healthy diet, there should be knowledge about dietary foodstuffs which can be explored by researchers of the World Health Organization. In conclusion, attaining success at making great expenses for unhealthy
food
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 choices is not the way to tackle the pandemic of obesity. In my opinion, by other approaches, the government can prevent citizens from corpulence.

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task achievement
You have provided a well-organized response that addresses the task prompt. However, there are some weaknesses in your argumentation. It would be beneficial to strengthen the argument by providing more specific evidence and elaborating on how different factors contribute to obesity.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is mostly coherent, some ideas are not fully developed or clearly linked. For instance, the transition between developed and developing countries could be smoother. In addition, avoid repetition to make your points clearer and more distinct.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Proofread your essay to correct issues like subject-verb agreement and sentence structure to improve readability.
introduction conclusion
Your essay is well-structured, with clear introduction and conclusion paragraphs that frame your argument well.
relevant specific examples
You provided a relevant specific example (the hot dog experiment) that supports your point about pricing not deterring consumption.
supported main points
Your essay covers multiple aspects of the issue, such as economic factors, lifestyle choices, and government roles.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • fattening foods
  • calorie-dense
  • healthier food choices
  • taxation
  • economic implications
  • social implications
  • subsidies
  • nutritional education
  • public health campaigns
  • nanny state
  • individual's right
  • consumer behavior
  • preventative measures
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