Many people believe that social networking sites (such as Facebook) have a huge negative impact on both individuals and society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Thanks to advanced technology, more and more population consider social media as a part of life. Indeed, it brings us enormous benefits,
such
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as convenient communication, various entertainment, and unlimited business opportunities.
However
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, I agree that
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different kinds of online platforms seriously affect both individuals and society. Nowadays,
public
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the public
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prefer
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prefers
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to spend a lot of time scrolling up and down online communities at the expense of other leisure activities, including outdoor sports, family trips, or reading, which benefit our physical and mental health. Even if browsing these applications on a phone can help those addicted to it unwind, excessive use may cause a range of diseases, especially when replacing exercise with smart devices. After reducing active duration, various diseases, like obesity, heart attack, and metabolic syndrome, will be found in our bodies,
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the decline in energy expenditure, thereby triggering these potential illnesses.
As a result
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, the individual's health state will become worse and worse.
Similarly
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, on a mental level, those will
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suffer from nomophobia, which means
people
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don't use these devices, being anxious.
In addition
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, abusing abbreviations or emotions on the platform leads to impairment in linguistic skills, particularly in the young generation, thereby inducing detrimental language implementation, communication barriers and misunderstanding in formal contexts. The more impairment on an individual level, the more destruction on a societal level.
Although
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a lot of
people
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manage a terrific online channel to earn a higher income,
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trend may face sorts of challenges.
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, those relying on social media to run business have less chance to get into face-to-face connections.
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situations let them exchange information, get instant support or build a rapport with others more difficult.
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, by utilizing social media,
people
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can maintain connections regardless of geographical distances, which are attributed to career obligations, academic pursuits, or time constraints. Even so, owing to
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excessive utilization, they usually neglect the individuals present in their immediate surroundings, leading to hampering authentic relationships, fostering a culture of isolation, and even causing social polarization. In conclusion, because of the introduction of kinds of state-of-the-art social networking sites,
people
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do what they want to do more effectively.
Nevertheless
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, not only personal concerns but global issues as well have arisen, which warrant reflection and action.

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task response
While your essay addresses the main aspects of the topic, ensure that each point is clearly linked back to the question posed. Strengthening the connection between your arguments and the overarching topic of social networking's negative impact could improve your task response.
coherence cohesion
Consider using more transitional phrases to guide the reader through your arguments. This will enhance clarity and help your points flow more smoothly from one to another.
coherence cohesion
There are minor inaccuracies in language use, such as "the more impairment on an individual level, the more destruction on a societal level," which could be expressed more clearly. Aim for precision in language for a higher score.
task response
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for your argument and clearly states your position on the issue, which is crucial for a strong essay.
task response
You have provided insightful points regarding the physical and mental health impacts of social media, which demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion succinctly summarizes your views and reiterates the significance of the issue, allowing for a clear wrap-up.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • erosion
  • face-to-face
  • interactions
  • privacy concerns
  • data breaches
  • misinformation
  • polarize
  • cyberbullying
  • online harassment
  • procrastination
  • productivity
  • social isolation
  • dissemination
  • breeding ground
  • vast amounts
  • personal information
  • mental health
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