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Band 6

Teenagers nowadays spend a huge amount of time on social networking sites (such as Facebook). Some people think that these platforms adversely affect teenagers while others believe students can enjoy much of the network's benefits. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#teenagers #amount #time #sites #facebook #people #platforms #students #network
Nowadays, the number of Internet users and use
time
 are increasing rapidly. Some individuals believe that
such
 social platforms have negative effects, but others think that most of the network's advantages are accessible to students. The purpose of
this
 essay is to discuss both sides of
this
 contentious argument and
then
 explain why I agree with the former view. On the one hand, social media can bring a host of benefits in
time
 spent by juveniles.
Firstly
, students studying abroad can keep
contact
Change preposition
in contact
show examples
 with their loved ones. It means that they can keep in touch with their families and friends on a daily basis using the video call features of Zalo, Facebook or various other apps.
Secondly
, social media is
also
 a powerful tool for accessing world trends.
For example
, after
Covid-19
Correct article usage
the Covid-19
show examples
 pandemic, Students can update information about majors that are in high demand around the world and thereby choose the right career that can receive a high salary in the future
such
 as Logistic and Supply Chain Management, Digital Marketing and Information Technology.
On the other hand
, in spite of the advantages given above, it is undeniable that the drawbacks are more significant. The primary reason is that children can access bad things from social networks
and
Correct word choice
which
show examples
 will affect their mental health. To illustrate, there is false or depraved information on Facebook that will affect reader’s psychology, especially teenagers.
Furthermore
, when juveniles spend all their
time
 on social networking, they will have deleterious health effects. More and more teenagers have suffered
obesity
Change preposition
from obesity
show examples
 and eyesight problems, which has been attributable to more
time
spending
Replace the word
spent
show examples
 on social media. In conclusion,
while
 social networking sites bring some advantages, I still believe that it will have some detrimental effects on everyone.
Submitted by ngocthuykatie on

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task achievement
Ensure the introduction clearly presents the topic and your stance. While you've done well, make it even clearer by directly stating your position at the beginning to guide the reader.
task achievement
Develop your arguments with more diverse and sophisticated language. While your essay is well-supported, employing a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures will enhance clarity and engagement.
coherence cohesion
Maintain a clear and logical structure throughout your essay. You've done an excellent job ordering your ideas, but make sure every paragraph flows smoothly to the next with appropriate transition words.
coherence cohesion
In your conclusion, succinctly summarize the main points before stating your opinion. This reaffirms your stance and provides a strong finish to the essay. Though you've concluded well, slightly stricter adherence to this structure might enhance the impact.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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