IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that consumerism can boost the economy and create business and jobs. Others consider that society becomes a ‘throw-away society’ producing unnecessary waste. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Some
people
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 argue that the majority of consumption can contribute to economic growth and create more employment opportunities,
while
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 the opponents of
this
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 concept take the view that producing unnecessary waste can result in a throw-away society.
Although
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 consumerism can help the growth of the economy and create more job places, I believe that
overconsumption
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 has detrimental effects on
the
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apply
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society and the environment. On the
one
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 hand, most
people
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 consider that the economy can be enhanced on a significant scale by consuming more products. If
people
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 purchase more items and things from any market, it can result in more revenue. In
this
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 way, businesses can widen their chains to the whole area, maybe to the all country.
For instance
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, in my city,
one
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 shop, "Al Market", has drawn a significant number of consumers.
Hence
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, after gaining
the
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a
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 significant amount of money, the boss of
this
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 shop has decided to create chains, and in
this
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 way, they offered more employment opportunities for
people
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.
On the other hand
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, some consider that
overconsumption
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 is indeed more harmful to both the community and
the
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apply
show examples
nature. If
overconsumption
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 is observed in
one
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 certain area, it means that a glut of products will be thrown
to
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onto
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 the streets because not all of them might be necessary items for use.
Moreover
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, it can lead to a reduction in natural demands. Take Madrid as an example. In
one
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 year, the consumption of some products has increased on a considerable scale, and it has ended with a dearth of main sources, including food, water, and other things. In conclusion,
while
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 production growth can be beneficial for businesses in terms of boosting the economy and generating more employment places, I consider that the potential drawbacks of
overconsumption
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such
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 as a reduction in the number of essential living demands cannot be ignored.

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Task Achievement
To enhance the task response, make sure that your essay thoroughly addresses all parts of the task, providing clear arguments for both views and a reasoned opinion. While you have given your opinion, it would benefit from deeper analysis and more balanced discussion of both sides.
Coherence & Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, ensure a clear logical flow of ideas by using a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect sentences and paragraphs better. This will make your argument more coherent and easier to follow.
Task Achievement
To provide more relevant and specific examples, include detailed scenarios or statistics that directly support your arguments. This could enhance the persuasiveness of your arguments and provide a stronger ground for your opinion.
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