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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The tables below show data about the amount of television watched by children in different countries (hours per day) and also the average academic achievement of people in these countries (% of people completing each level).

The tables below show data about the amount of television watched by children in different countries (hours per day) and also the average academic achievement of people in these countries (% of people completing each level).
#tables #show #data #amount #television #children #countries #hours #achievement #people #level
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The tables show the
hours
Use synonyms
 of watching
TV
Use synonyms
 by
children
Use synonyms
 per
day
Use synonyms
 and the average
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
academic success in nine different countries.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 there is a positive correlation between the
hours
Use synonyms
 of
TV
Use synonyms
 watching with academic achievement in university.
Also
Linking Words
, except for Malta,
children
Use synonyms
 who watched more
TV
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 programmes, in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school
Use synonyms
 were more successful than
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
spend
Wrong verb form
spent
show examples
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
hours
Use synonyms
.
Children
Use synonyms
 who
spend
Wrong verb form
spent
show examples
 more time
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
TV
Use synonyms
 watching were in the USA, the UK, and Canada with 4
hours
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 per
day
Use synonyms
 as the highest time.
Also
Linking Words
, Italian and Chinese
children
Use synonyms
 spent 3
hours
Use synonyms
 of their time
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching
TV
Use synonyms
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the second most among the countries.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, UAE and Malta were the least with just 1 hour per
day
Use synonyms
. There is
positive
Add an article
a positive
show examples
 correlation between the
hours
Use synonyms
 of watching
TV
Use synonyms
 and achievement in the university.
For example
Linking Words
,
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 UK, Canada and the USA
children
Use synonyms
 were the most
TV
Use synonyms
 watchers who can
achieve
Wrong verb form
achieving
show examples
 39%, 32% and 29%
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
average
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
academic success in their
university
Fix the agreement mistake
universities
show examples
,
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the highest among the given countries, respectively.
However
Linking Words
, Malta was an exception for
school
Use synonyms
children
Use synonyms
 duo to watch less
TV
Use synonyms
 in a
day
Use synonyms
(1
Use synonyms
hours
Change to a singular noun
hour
show examples
 per
day
Use synonyms
) and achieved the highest success in
school
Use synonyms
 and high
school
Use synonyms
(100% for both).
Submitted by erfanamouie on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words hours, tv, children, day, school with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "show" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 3 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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