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Band 4.5

ome people think that it is more beneficial to take part in sports which are played in teams, like football. But others think taking part in individual sports is better, like swimming. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#ome #people #part #sports #teams #football
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People have mixed opinions about
team
sports
 and individual
sports
. On the one hand, it is thought that engaging in
team
sports
 is better.
On the other hand
, others consider
that
Correct word choice
apply
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participating in
sports
 that require a single
person
 to be more advantageous. In my opinion, these two kinds of
sports
 are both essential to take. In terms of
team
sports
, the
sports
 that require various
team
 members to engage in are beneficial to a
person
's abilities
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 teamwork, which is highly demanding nowadays. By playing football, the players could learn how to communicate with their teammates during the competition and gain a great score.
For example
, it is crucial to finish the
team
 projects assigned by the professors in the universities since these assignments cannot be done by a single
person
 and they are significant to your grade.
That is
 to say, how cooperating and working with
team
 members is required as an indispensable quality of living in society.
Besides
, individual
sports
 bring great benefits to a
person
's persistence quality as well, as swimming requires endless training over a long time period. It is hard to ignore the successful examples of most businessmen versed in a specific area and they stick to what they are eager to do.
As
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Dong Mingzhu,
she
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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is a marvellous entrepreneur who initiated Geli, a famous corporation. The mystery behind her success is that she insisted on her path of owning a company regardless of the multiple failures and discouragements she has faced for years.
Therefore
, individual
sports
 like swimming would be essential to cultivate great insistence. For these reasons, both
team
sports
 and individual
sports
 are significant for people in terms of
team
 spirit and insistence respectively.
Therefore
, these two kinds of
sports
 should be encouraged to participate in at the same time. It may be predicted that these two qualities would be highly required in the future society.
ome
Correct your spelling
some
 people think that it is more beneficial to take part in
sports
 which are played in teams, like football. But others think taking part in individual
sports
 is better, like swimming. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Submitted by 1210011420 on

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structure
Consider structuring your essay more clearly by having distinct paragraphs for introduction, each view, and your conclusion. This makes it easier for the reader to follow your argument and understand the logical progression of your essay.
linking words
Try to use a wider range of linking phrases to better connect your ideas and paragraphs. Phrases like 'Furthermore', 'Moreover', 'On the other hand', and 'In addition' can help make your argument more cohesive.
support
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea supported by specific examples or explanations. This strengthens your arguments and makes your essay more convincing.
opinion clarity
While discussing both views, make sure your own opinion is clear and distinct. It should be evident throughout the essay, leading to a strong, summarizing conclusion.
grammar
Be mindful of grammatical errors and strive for accuracy in your language. Consider revisiting grammar rules related to article usage ('the', 'a', 'an') and plural forms to enhance your writing quality.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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