IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#say #people #age #work
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Life expectancy has been soaring in the recent decades and
this
 is causing both positive and negative effects. It is discussed if the legal
age
 for retirement should be raised because of the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 life expectancy.
This
 essay will argue why
this
 trend is an issue for governments and
the
Rephrase
why the
show examples
 number of years of work required for
pension
Add an article
a pension
show examples
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 to be increased. If retired people are more than the ones who work,
then
 there are problems concerning
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
pensions.
Giving
Replace the word
Given
show examples
 the fact that the government has to take into consideration its budget constraint, if the money required to fund the system soar, the taxes have to be increased.
This
 is an unstable situation and the State has to do something to find an equilibrium. The only effective measure that must be put into action is the raise of the
age
 requirements. It is true that
this
 is an unpopular solution because many would consider it as an injustice,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
such
 a decision will be beneficial in the long run, especially for the new generations.
While
 with the current pension
systems
Add a comma
systems,
show examples
 more and more resources would be taken from workers, with a simple adjustment the rules of redistribution would be much more equal. In the future many governments will have to face the problem of
an
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 high average
age
 and the actions needed to solve the related consequences. There is a very popular argument going on concerning what should be done.
This
 essay has discussed why it is better to raise the
age
 required for retirement.
Submitted by giordansamuele on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Develop your arguments further by providing specific examples or case studies to support your main points. This can help make your essay more persuasive and grounded in reality.
Coherence and Cohesion
Although your essay has a logical structure, try to enhance the flow between paragraphs with more cohesive devices or transition words. This will make your argument more seamless and easier for the reader to follow.
General
Consider varying your sentence structure more to add interest and complexity to your writing. This can also demonstrate a wider range of language abilities.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: