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Band 3

In some pleces old age is valued while in other cultures youth is considered more important. Discuss both view and give your opinion,

#pleces #age #cultures #youth
Many
Change preposition
In many
show examples
 places
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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people
 treasure old age,
whereas
 other
people
 believe that
youth
 plays a more important role. From my experience, I believe cultural
youth
 is more crucial.
This
 essay discusses both sides of
this
 statement.
To begin
, the culture of the
youth
 is very important because of its variety. The teenagers seem to be more creative and suitable to the modern society. Compared with the
last
 70 years, these days cultures are not only unique
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 more comfortable. A good example of
this
 is that women in the 20th century were not able to wear clothes variously and comfortably, but teenagers in
this
 century have various styles and can express their characteristics via their styles.
On the other hand
, old age is highly valued
due to
 their experience. They had undergone and were more strict in any details.
However
, it is no longer suitable for
this
 digital era, since their cultures are too strict and unacceptable
by
Change preposition
to
show examples
 young
people
. The best example of
this
 is the difference between the two generations, and old
people
 are not harmonious.
To sum up
, I agree that cultural
youth
 is more important because of the new
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
development of society.
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task response & coherence
Include a clearer thesis statement in your introduction to succinctly state your opinion and what the essay will discuss. This helps with task response and coherence.
task achievement
Work on developing your main points with more detailed explanations and include more varied examples. While you provided examples, expanding on these with more depth will strengthen your argument and support your task achievement score.
coherence & cohesion
To improve the logical flow of your essay, use a wider range of cohesive devices. Such as contrasting connectors (e.g., on the other hand, however) when moving between views and sequencing words (e.g., firstly, furthermore) when elaborating on your points.
coherence & cohesion
Consider refining your conclusion to more decisively state your opinion and briefly summarize the key points discussed in the essay. A strong conclusion can significantly enhance the coherence and cohesion of your writing.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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