IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume Less Sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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It is argued that
,
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the excessive levels of
sugar
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 in beverages and foodstuffs, may lead to various health problems.
Therefore
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, the costs of sweet
products
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 should be increased to discourage
people
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 from consumption.
This
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 essay totally disagrees with that statement. In my judgment, increased costs wouldn’t necessarily deter
people
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 from consuming sugary
products
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 or adhering to a diet. First and foremost, the rising expenses of sugary
products
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 may have an adverse impact on
people
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 with low incomes rather than leading to a decline in health problems related to
sugar
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.
While
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 individuals who can afford expensive
products
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 continue to consume these unhealthy items, economically disadvantaged individuals may refrain from purchasing them.
This
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 method may be beneficial for only a segment of society.
For instance
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, a healthy child who is a member of a financially challenged family may not be capable of buying sugary
products
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, at least rarely. Purchasing is an instinctive act,
therefore
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, it could not be easily restricted by regulations. There are a variety of reasons for health problems, and being fixated on only one factor might adversely impact certain manufacturers,
such
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 as bakeries and cafes.
Moreover
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, with the elevated
sugar
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 expenses, small businesses might struggle to generate a profit and could collapse. In conclusion, it is undeniable that beverages and foods with excessive levels of
sugar
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 have a number of awful impacts on the human body.
However
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, individuals should have the independence to make their own preferences. In the pursuit of a solution for excessive
sugar
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 consumption, the needs and concerns of other
people
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 should not be ignored.

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task achievement
Ensure to directly address the prompt in your introduction, making your opinion clear from the start. Your introduction should state whether you agree or disagree with the suggestion to raise prices on sugary products to reduce consumption.
task achievement
Develop your main points further by adding more specific, relevant examples. Personal anecdotes or statistical data could bolster your arguments, demonstrating a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Organize your essay more effectively by ensuring each paragraph contains a single main idea supported by examples or explanations. Transition words can help create smoother connections between your points.
task achievement
Review your conclusion to ensure it effectively summarizes your arguments and reiterates your stance on the topic. It should clearly signal to the reader that you have addressed the task comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
To improve your essay's readability, ensure that each paragraph logically flows into the next. This can be achieved by using a variety of linking words and phrases to show the relationship between ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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