IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphone. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#children #hours #smartphone #case #development
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It is no secret that technology has revolutionized every aspect of human’s daily life. In today’s climate, the issue of overusing
smartphones
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 by
children
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 has become a controversial minefield. There are several environmental and social reasons that tempt kids to spend hours on
smartphones
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,
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while
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which
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 I believe have more harmful effects than good. The main justification why using
smartphones
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 has gained momentum among kids is the
fact
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 that there are several games and interesting applications on cell
phones
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 which are attractive for their age.
Therefore
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,
children
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 tend to play constantly, and
consequently
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, they will be addicted. An illustration of
this
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fact
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 is online games which they play in groups with different people which makes it hard to stop. Another explanation is online learning. Nowadays, pupils are able to participate in classes from home
by
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on
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 their cell
phones
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 or laptops. Not only do they use these for study, but
also
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 they can find relevant subjects for their
homeworks
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homework
 from the Internet or even YouTube.
As a result
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 of
this
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fact
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, they would spend a significant amount of time working with their cell
phones
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.
For example
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, when the COVID-19 pandemic started, schools were closed for two years and pupils learned their lessons through the Internet. I find myself among those who believe that it is a negative course of action since it can bring several bad effects. First and foremost, overusing digital gadgets like
smartphones
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 would lead to serious health problems
such
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 as eyestrain. It is obvious that since
smartphones
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 became a popular gadget among
children
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, the rate of those who need to use eyeglasses has increased. The next pitfall is the
fact
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 that it can shrink the circle of relationships. The more time kids spend playing with mobile
phones
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, the less they have a chance to find a friend.
While
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 an overwhelming amount of adults have found their best friends in their childhood. What can be concluded from the discussion revolving around the issue of
children
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 spending several hours on their
smartphones
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 is that it is caused by different reasons
such
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 as online learning and addictive programs and Its demerits overshadow the possible merits it could bring.
Submitted by ashkanmlk80 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay effectively maintains a logical structure, but there's room for improvement in making transitions smoother between sections. Consider integrating more transition phrases that clearly signal moves from one idea to the next, enhancing the flow and understandability of your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are present, they could be strengthened. Aim to craft an introduction that not only presents the topic but also outlines the key points you will discuss. Your conclusion should not only summarize these points but also reflect on the implications or propose a solution.
Coherence & Cohesion
You've done well to support your main points with examples and explanations. To further strengthen this, try to delve deeper into your examples by providing a thorough analysis of how they support your argument. This will add depth to your essay and make your argument more persuasive.
Task Achievement
Your response to the task is complete, showing comprehension of the question and presenting relevant ideas. However, your argument could be made clearer by explicitly stating your position in the introduction and periodically reinforcing your stance throughout. This will help maintain focus and guide your reader more effectively.
Task Achievement
Your essay includes comprehensive ideas and relevant examples, which is commendable. To further enhance clarity, you could work on structuring your paragraphs around one main idea each and explicitly linking each paragraph back to the overall question. This technique ensures that all parts of your essay contribute directly to answering the task.
Task Achievement
You've used relevant and specific examples to support your arguments, which is excellent. To build on this, consider exploring a wider variety of examples, including personal anecdotes or hypothetical scenarios. This diversity can make your essay more engaging and illustrate your points more vividly.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Engrossed
  • Distracted
  • Addictive
  • Digital natives
  • Virtual reality
  • Interactive
  • Online gaming
  • Social media platforms
  • Connectivity
  • Social engagement
  • Information access
  • Learning tools
  • Peer influence
  • Societal pressure
  • Alternative activities
  • Recreational facilities
What to do next:
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