IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Modern society is becoming more concerned about the increase in juvenile crime. What do you think is the cause of the increase in juvenile crime? What solutions can you suggest?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
More people are concerned about the increasing number of young individuals committing crimes. From my perspective,
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon stems from consumer culture and advancements in the Internet.
To begin
Linking Words
, materialism has shrunk parents' available time to care for their
children
Use synonyms
 because they need to work and pay for their expenditures. In the past, in most families, only fathers worked outside and mothers looked after their kids and did some chores.
Hence
Linking Words
, mothers could stay with and teach their adolescents.
Additionally
Linking Words
, another possibility is the fragmentation of the local community. In the past, parents could seek assistance from their neighbours to look after their
children
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 now they often leave them unsupervised on the Internet. With the advancements of the Internet, rather than playing with neighbours,
children
Use synonyms
 tend to engage in online communication,
such
Linking Words
 as social networking sites, which makes it easier for them to connect with ex-convicts.
For example
Linking Words
, a statistical report has shown a dramatic increase in the number of burglary cases involving naive students, operated by local gang groups.
However
Linking Words
, one of the most effective solutions will be financial aid for parents who have kids. If each family is assured that they have enough money to live, they wouldn't need to get additional jobs.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
instead
Linking Words
 of sacrificing their precious time to work overtime, they could teach their
children
Use synonyms
. One good example is my mother, who has spent 20 years working a part-time job to earn money for our family and pay monthly expenses
such
Linking Words
 as housing, food, and clothes.
In addition
Linking Words
, creating an online association for juvenile groups hosted by the municipality can help resolve the problem.
For instance
Linking Words
, managing a virtual forum can help community members monitor suspicious behaviours and deter
children
Use synonyms
 from making friends with criminals.
To conclude
Linking Words
, there are explicit reasons why we see increased crime among young people, but financial support from the government and a new type of local community could be solutions to improve the situation.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion. Each paragraph has a distinct focus which contributes to a coherent overall argument. However, you could further improve your logical structure by providing more varied transition words and phrases to enhance the flow between different points.
task achievement
The task response is good; you have addressed both parts of the question. Your ideas are clear and well-explained. However, you could include a few more specific examples or statistics to strengthen your arguments and provide a more compelling case.
coherence cohesion
You have a strong introduction that clearly states your position and outlines the main causes of juvenile crime. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and suggests practical solutions.
task achievement
Your essay presents clear and comprehensive ideas that directly respond to the prompt. The examples and explanations provided are relevant and enhance the overall quality of the argument.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: