IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many people believe that modern music can have a negative impact on the young. Others believe the effect of modern music is positive. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #music #impact #effect
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These days a lot of
people
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 think that modern
music
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 is adverse for young
people
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, but others say it is beneficial for the young . In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both opinions and explain why I think it is good for young
people
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 to listen to modern
music
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.
Firstly
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, Many
people
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 think that current
music
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 has similar contents,
then
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 they will hinder the growth of the youth’s sensitivity.
For example
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, there have been many hip-hop, rock, and pop songs recently, but they have created almost the same rhythms and melodies to be more popular on the internet.
As a result
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, children tend not to listen to various kinds of
music
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 and they can not have many aspects of
music
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.
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 have a statement that the important thing to listen to
music
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 is having fun and a healing heart. Needless to say, Most
music
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 tries to convey certain messages, and
then
Linking Words
 their lyrics reflect the era.
For instance
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, a lot of songs sing about love, using phrases like “SNS” ,not “mails” or “letters” nowadays.
Therefore
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 young
people
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 could have more sympathy or empathy, and
moreover
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, they would see themselves more objectively and sometimes they could solve problems
which
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apply
show examples
they face
to
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apply
show examples
.
It is clear that
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 there are some very strong opinions that contemporary
music
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 deprives opportunities to grow their sensitivity
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 youth. But I believe that
music
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 helps many children to heal their minds when they get into some trouble.
People
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 should know about the effects of
music
Use synonyms
 and sometimes should recommend t
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structure
Make sure your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, at least two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Your essay started strong but lacked a proper conclusion. Wrap up your discussion by summarizing your main points and clearly stating your opinion.
cohesion
Use a variety of sentence structures and linking words to improve the flow of your essay. Although you have used some connectors, the logical flow can be enhanced by more effectively using these elements.
support
Support your arguments with specific examples and explanations. While you provided some examples, making them more specific and detailed can strengthen your argument.
task response
Focus on fully answering the question by discussing both views and your own opinion throughout your essay. While you've addressed both views, ensuring your own opinion is clear and consistent throughout would strengthen your response.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • lifestyles and behaviours
  • glorify
  • distract
  • academic performance
  • self-expression
  • identity formation
  • source of inspiration
  • social and political messages
  • amplifying
  • accessible
  • influential
  • parental and educational guidance
  • critically analyze
  • responsible consumption
  • mitigate
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