IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Write about the following topic: More and more people today are spending large amounts of money on their complexions in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

#topic #people #amounts #money #complexions #development
Many
people
 say that outlook is very important and they always try to look younger by spending
money
 on spas or other beauty clinics.
This
 means they don’t want to look old,
ugly
Correct word choice
and ugly
show examples
 and
also
 don’t want
people
 to look at them and point out their ugliness. In my point of view,
this
 is a good and
also
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
 development because
this
 could help their
complexions
 but
also
led
Wrong verb form
lead
show examples
 them to sickness. To start with, I believe that
complexions
 are very important.
However
, spending
money
 on the outlook
just
Add a missing verb
is just
show examples
 for wealthy
people
.
While
 spending
money
 to build a healthy body and a pretty complexion is really
assential
Correct your spelling
essential
,
people
 will have to spend plenty of hours from day to day in the beauty clinic just
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 update and beautify their looking.
Furthermore
, if they do plastic surgery to change the structure of their body
such
 as
nose
Correct article usage
the nose
show examples
, eyes, mouth, etc; it
really
Add a missing verb
is really
show examples
 painful, and for
long
Correct article usage
a long
show examples
 period, they could get
sickness
Replace the word
sick
show examples
 and feel the chemical and physical change in their bodies.
For example
, a woman using drugs and other chemistries for her skin to have
lighter
Add an article
a lighter
show examples
 tone,
she
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
could get skin cancer when she
get
Change the verb form
gets
show examples
 older.
On the other hand
, spending
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
show examples
 amount of
money
 on
complexions
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
it
Change the pronoun
its
show examples
 own positive side.
First,
you could have a prettier
looking
Replace the word
look
show examples
 with
light tone
Correct your spelling
light-toned
show examples
 skin, a chubby mouth, big eyes etc.
Moreover
, they would have enough
confident
Replace the word
confidence
show examples
 to get outside in front of the
crow
Correct your spelling
crowd
show examples
instead
 of
shy
Add a missing verb
being shy
show examples
 about theirselves. In conclusion, though
complexions
 and beauties are necessary, they
also
 have various
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
disadvantages
Correct word choice
and effect
show examples
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
our health
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 both chemical and physical sides.
Overall
, my opinion on the
complexions
 is not really
assential
Correct your spelling
essential
, you just need to have
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 normal
looking
Replace the word
look
show examples
 that you
original
Change the word
originally
show examples
.
Add a missing verb
did.
show examples
Submitted by ngovhngoc on

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task achievement
You have presented an argument with both sides, but your ideas could be developed further, especially with specific, real-life examples to strengthen your argument. Try to elaborate on your points with more detailed examples or statistics from reliable sources.
coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks clear, logical transitions between ideas which affects the overall coherence. To improve, use more linking words or phrases (e.g., 'Furthermore', 'In addition', 'However', 'On the contrary') to guide the reader through your argument smoothly.
coherence cohesion
There are some grammatical errors and inappropriate word choices throughout the essay ('assential' should be 'essential', 'theirselves' should be 'themselves'). Pay attention to spelling, grammar, and appropriate vocabulary usage to ensure clarity and accuracy in your writing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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