IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Obesity is now a major global epidemic. What can be done to tackle this increasingly common problem?

#obesity #epidemic
Many
people
 believe that
obesity
 has become a large
problem
 nowadays. I
am
Unnecessary verb
apply
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totaly
Correct your spelling
totally
 agree with
this
 judgment and have the same opinion about
this
 issue. We more often can see
people
 with weight
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 and for many
pf
Correct your spelling
of
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 them it’s not just a
problem
,
this
 is a threat
of
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to
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 their
lifes
Correct your spelling
lives
show examples
. I believe
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the global
obesity
 epidemic is caused
be
Correct your spelling
by
show examples
 several factors,
however
 the main ones, in my opinion, are today’s technologies and
people
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people's
show examples
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
. Humans become very lazy and immobile now,
fewer
Correct word choice
and fewer
show examples
 and fewer
people
 do
sports
 or any other basic practices,
such
 as morning exercises or jogging. With the development of technology almost every daily thing
became
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 easier,
people
 don’t have to do any hard actions to get something. Even going to the store has become easier, as everybody can order food to their homes now. Everyone has a mobile
phons
Correct your spelling
phone
show examples
 nowadays, even
7 years old
Correct your spelling
7-year-old
 kids who
has
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have
show examples
 just entered
the
Correct article usage
apply
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school. Children are interested in using gadgets (
ipad
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iPads
show examples
,
phone
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phones
show examples
) rather than going outside, and it
becomes
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 a habit. Many
people
 wonder, how we can solve the
problem
 of
obesity
?
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.
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 I can offer several solutions to
this
 issue.
Firstly
,
parants
Correct your spelling
parents
 have to limit their children
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the amount of time they spend on gadgets.
Secondly
,
government
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the government
show examples
 needs to promote and popularize the sport,
for
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 they can do it by investing in
sports
 infrastructure: building
sports
 grounds, fields,
arenas
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and arenas
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; spend money on
sports
 advertising.
Thirdly
 we should
to
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apply
show examples
accustom children to a
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 lifestyle from childhood. Yes,
obesity
 is a large
problem
,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 it’s solvable and in my mind the main solution is
sport
Add an article
a sport
show examples
.
Submitted by vgaidar2505 on

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coherence cohesion
Work on structuring your essay more logically, with clear paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion. Your ideas should flow naturally from one to the next.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your introduction and conclusion are clear and directly address the question. Your introduction should clearly state your position, and your conclusion should summarise your main points.
task achievement
Support your main ideas with specific examples. While you've provided some general solutions, incorporating real-world examples or data could strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Focus on developing a wider range of vocabulary and grammar structures. This will make your essay more engaging and demonstrate your language proficiency.
coherence cohesion
Consider proofreading your essay to correct minor spelling and grammar mistakes, such as 'parants' should be 'parents', 'phons' should be 'phones', and maintaining consistent tense throughout.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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