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Band 7.5

Many people believe that media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children . To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #media #coverage #celebrities #effect #children
It is true that in our contemporary era, celebrities receive too much attention from the
media
.
For
this
 reason, some
people
 argue that these phenomena have a detrimental impact on offspring ,
while
 others believe that They can be beneficial in many cases . In
this
 essay , I will explicate both stances before presenting my consensus on the latter view. On the one hand, in some circumstances , It can adversely affect
children
. Since , adolescents tend to compete with each other , especially when It comes to football players.
For instance
 , It can be seen everywhere how
children
 are debating who is better Ronaldo or Messi and causing rivalries among them.
Nevertheless
, the public in many situations tries to encourage them to be a community by illustrating how famous
people
 respect each other.
This
 factor can be valuable as it transforms them into a more friendly society.
On the other hand
 , the
media
 coverage of icons has some benefits. Young
people
 can gain some motivation and inspiration by observing high-profile individual's accomplishments.
For instance
 , the
media
 mostly shows how celebrities achieve their goals in the face of pressure from others.
Such
 kind of news generally triggers inspiration and a desire to work hard on themselves. A good example of
this
 is a Japanese youngster who was motivated by Cristiano Ronaldo when everyone was humiliating him . After 4 years,
this
 player has become one of the best in Japan and
furthermore
 , now he plays a pivotal role in his team. Despite all these advantages , sometimes, the
media
 shows inappropriate things about famous
people
 .
For example
 , the public recently showed Dani Alves who was accused of vandalism. It can
therefore
 be concluded that
media
 coverage of stars can have positive and negative influence on young
children
 simultaneously.
However
 , I vehemently disagree that It has a more adverse effect on
children
 as the
media
 tends to publish things which inspire our young generation.
Submitted by ruznadir on

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Grammar & Precision
Be cautious with subject-verb agreement, punctuation, and the use of articles as errors in these areas can hinder clarity. For example, adjust 'It can be seen everywhere how children are debating who is better Ronaldo or Messi and causing rivalries among them' to 'It can be seen everywhere how children debate who is better, Ronaldo or Messi, and cause rivalries among them.'
Cohesion Enhancement
Employ a wider range of cohesive devices to enhance flow and coherence. While your essay uses some linking words effectively, diversifying your range of connectors can improve readability and cohesion. For example, consider using phrases like 'Moreover', 'In addition', 'On the contrary' to smoothly transition between ideas.
Balanced Argument
Ensure a balanced discussion by dedicating equal development to all parts of your argument. While you've presented both sides, further elaboration on each viewpoint could provide a more insightful and comprehensive analysis.
Conclusion Clarity
Work on strengthening your conclusion by summarizing your main points more distinctly and stating your opinion more clearly. A strong conclusion reiterates the discussed points and firmly presents your stance, reinforcing the overall argument.
Vocabulary Expansion
Incorporate a wider variety of vocabulary to express your ideas. While your vocabulary is functional, employing a broader range of expressions and synonyms can enrich your essay and demonstrate your language proficiency. For instance, replace 'detrimental' with 'harmful' or 'adverse' in some instances to exhibit flexibility in language use.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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