IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that children of all ages should have extra responsibilities (for example, helping at home or at work). Others believe that, outside of school, children should be free to enjoy their lives.

#people #children #ages #responsibilities #home #work #school #lives
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
People have different views about whether
children
Use synonyms
 of every age should have
further
Linking Words
 tasks (
such
Linking Words
 as assisting in house chores) or they should relish their spare time.
While
Linking Words
kids
Use synonyms
 should be pleased with their childhood, I believe that they should be taught to be more responsible for their future life. On the one hand, it is generally accepted that
children
Use synonyms
 are not grown enough to spend their time on anything but entertainment. Their preference is playing and having fun rather than helping
parents
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
kids
Use synonyms
 may injure themselves
due to
Linking Words
 a lack of information about dangerous things.
Parents
Use synonyms
 choose not to ask
children
Use synonyms
 to give them a hand and take them away from any possible harm. Hospitals witness a large number of injured
kids
Use synonyms
 whose
parents
Use synonyms
 ask them for help. It can
therefore
Linking Words
 be argued that
kids
Use synonyms
' assistance is not completely beneficial for their
parents
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it is advised by psychologists that if
children
Use synonyms
 do simple activities in their childhood, they will learn to take on more complicated duties in their adulthood. It is obvious that those who take responsibility from a young age
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 will gradually achieve different abilities which will be helpful for their future.
In addition
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 will feel satisfied and proud, if their
parents
Use synonyms
 ask them to carry out something for their sake.
This
Linking Words
 will demonstrate a sense of self-confidence in
kids
Use synonyms
' minds. As an illustration, we can see
children
Use synonyms
 who get used to contributing at home, are more punctual and confident compared with their same-aged
kids
Use synonyms
.
Consequently
Linking Words
, we can understand why some people are against giving responsibilities to
kids
Use synonyms
 but it seems more reasonable to bring up our
children
Use synonyms
 with some tasks ranging from easy to difficult regarding their age and abilities and let them be ready for their upcoming days.
Submitted by keyhan454 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
For Task Achievement: Ensure that your essay directly addresses every aspect of the task. Your response covers the topic well, but you could include more specific examples to illustrate your points. This will make your argument stronger and more persuasive.
Coherence and Cohesion
For Coherence and Cohesion: Your essay is well-organized, and the ideas flow logically from one paragraph to another. However, to enhance cohesion, make sure to use a wider range of linking words and phrases. This will help to connect your ideas more smoothly and clarify the relationships between your points.
General
Additionally, careful proofreading is crucial to eliminate minor grammatical errors and improve overall readability. Even small mistakes can distract from the quality of your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • extra responsibilities
  • develop skills
  • life lessons
  • work ethic
  • sense of responsibility
  • contribute to
  • family
  • community
  • playtime
  • physical development
  • mental development
  • balance
  • enjoyment
  • guide
  • childhood
What to do next:
Look at other essays: