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Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people believe that young people who commit serious crimes should be punished in the same way as adults . Do you agree or disagree?

#people #crimes #adults
In recent times, some argue that youngsters who commit severe
crimes
 have to be punished the same as the ones who are older,
while
 some others
lay
Verb problem
apply
show examples
claim that it is not necessary to introduce these kinds of laws. The in-depth analysis in the following paragraphs intends to discuss why
this
 essay disagrees with
this
 perspective. Committing a crime
such
 as killing people should have some unpredictable consequences for criminals.
Thus
,
while
 youngsters or teenagers do these unfair
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
 and never face the bad result, they might commit various
crimes
 in the future because they think they
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 pass those horrible days too. Take murderers as an example, they are in prison because of their violent
crimes
 and after 30 years they would be free, so there would not be any guarantees that they might not do another crime as an adult.
On the other hand
, authorities who introduce rules and regulations should consider juveniles' ages. Despite the fact that youngsters should be taught about nice behaviours and actions, they could be influenced by others like their friends or different drugs.
Moreover
, after they commit a noticeable crime, which is obviously harmful to others and societies, they may learn some lessons and will regret their past.
As a result
, they would be better ones in the future.
For example
, by having some beneficial rules which are helpful to communities, governments might guide these former criminals to a useful way
such
 as asking for some social services
while
 they are under the supervision of the government. Not only are they useful for societies, but
also
 they completely face the consequences of their bad behaviours. After scrutinizing both sides, what can be concluded is that
although
 the young ones who commit tough
crimes
 should be punished the same as older people, authorities should consider a variety of factors before announcing their penalties.
Submitted by royakarimi435 on

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coherence cohesion
While your essay presents a clear structure, the logical flow from one idea to the next could be further improved. Consider using more transitional phrases to create a smoother progression between sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, but could be strengthened by more clearly stating your main argument or stance in the introduction, and more succinctly summarizing key points in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
To better support your main points, incorporate more detailed examples or evidence. Specific examples can greatly strengthen your argument and make your essay more convincing.
task achievement
While you’ve addressed the task, ensuring a complete response includes addressing all parts of the prompt more equally. Work on balancing your discussion to cover both views or aspects mentioned in the task, if applicable.
task achievement
You've done a good job at presenting clear and comprehensive ideas. To further enhance this, ensure that each paragraph conveys a single clear idea that ties back to your overall argument.
task achievement
Include more relevant and specific examples to support your arguments. This helps in providing a clear rationale behind your viewpoints and makes your response more persuasive.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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